PTSD sucks

[Libertarian_Guard]

THIS ENTIRE POST IS A CUT & PASTE FROM ANOTHER FORUM. NONE OF IT IS DIRECTLY FROM ME. I DON'T HAVE PTSD. I AM VERY UNDERSTANDING OF THOSE WHO SUFFER FROM IT. HERE IS SOME OF THEIR WORDS & STORIES.

I've had very few bad dreams about Iraq, few that I can remember. But I've had mornings where my wife has told me that I seemed to have a nightmare, I've woken her up because of me kind of thrashing in my sleep, not to the point where its violent thrashing but still thrashing none the less. Since I havent really had all that many dreams about Iraq should I see someone about this, I mean it is possible I've done this all my life but still the episodes are far and few between but I still have them and it concerns me a little.

…………………à ¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦.

I have a similar problem the first week i got back from iraq in 2005 i was having real bad sleeping problems . I didnt see much combat and i dont want to go into details but when i came back i wasnt able to sleep for 4 days. My roomate would tell me that i would always talk in my sleep and move around alot he said i made him nervous at night. Its 2008 and now a clean cut civilan. This became serious when my girlfriend told me that i choked her one night during my sleep. I didnt belive her at first because i dont remember anything when i wake up but now she video tapes me at night when i act weird so im becoming worried about what might happen in the future and if i need help. If anyone has any type of information PLEASE let me know. I would rather stay away from the VA Hospital i get treated with no respect there.


…………………à ¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦.

I have been having some troubles lately and thought this might be the right place to go. First a little background. I was stationed at MCAS Miramar from 02-05 served as a Aircraft Recovery Specialist. (Emergency Aircraft Arresting Gear, runway lighting ect.) We hosted the annual MCAS Miramar airshow good times for all, one of the biggest airshows on the west coast.

October 15 2004 was just another day of kickin back with Crash Crew watching the airshow. I remember that bright yellow plane like it was yesterday, pulling up up up into the loop and coming down down down and slamming into the ground about 500 yards in front of me. I remember staring frozen in fear and disbelief at what just happened. Tower radio screaming "Crash! Crash! Crash!" and the firetrucks rolling.
I remember watching Crash Crew pull Sean DeRosier's lifeless body out of the aircraft and load him in the huey.

I picked up the pieces of Sean's airplane that day and loaded them on a flatbed truck. I remember the blood, used medical supplies and shattered pieces of aircraft. The airshow went on but I never really snapped out of the trance that I was in that day. It took me a few days to feel "normal" again. I EAS'ed one year to the day of that crash.My last year in the Corps I thought about that day a lot and I still do.

During my C&P exam before my EAS I had mentioned all of this to the shrink. I told him I thought I might have PTSD, he asked if I was ever in Iraq/Afghanistan. No I was not, he asked if I had ever seen any combat. No I have not, he then proceeded to tell me since I have never been to war that I could not posibbly be suffering from PTSD. So he gives me a 10% rating for Generalized Anexity Disorder.

Fast foward to Jan 2009. I have been out of the Corps for almost 4 years. I have a great job, I work for the City as an Airport Operations Specialist.
I am living the American Dream. Just bought a house, have a great wife and kids everything is peaches and cream. Then one day out of the blue I start to have what I can best describe as "Panic Attacks". Pounding heart dizzyness, parinoia ect, ect, I'm sure you all know the symptoms. At first I thought I was having a heart attack or stroke. So I haul a$$ to the emergency room and have all the blood, urine, x-rays, EKG tests done. Turns out I'm healthy as a horse.

So I have been seeing a VA shrink for a few months now and she has me on antidepressants and antianexity medication. It helps some, I guess I have good days and bad days. I explaned everything to her and she has yet to give me a firm diagnosis. Any help or tips from my fellow Marines? Somedays I feel totally out of control like I am losing my mind or going crazy. Other days I feel fine. But that day at Miramar will haunt me for the rest of my life.


…………………à ¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢ €¦..

I am just so confused and ****ed off now I just don't know what else to do.

I have been diagnosed with "severe" PTSD and am being treated by the VA Hospital in Johnson City, TN and just started the PTSD support group/class last week.

I just got a letter from the Roanoke RO that they denied my PTSD claim that "there was no evidence to support" benefits.

How the f * c k can you be diagnosed with something as "severe" and taking anti-depressants / anxiety medication prescribed by the VA??

Call me stupid, but that doesn't compute...

How the f * c k can we use the system that was created for us if the system is automatically against us from the get go??

The one thing that is ****ing me over is the fact that I don't have a CAR, even though I seen some horrendous stuff working with Combat Cargo on the USS Nassau when we evacuated the US Embassy in 07' w/26th MEU and later working in Sierra Leon in Africa. I guess seeing a 10 year old child have his head blown off and into a pink mist by some African idiot isnt' traumatic...


…………………à ¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢ €¦.
Been there, done that....I have been seeing them...they prescribed me one medication that I became suicidal....luckilly I called my wife to come home...

This is AFTER begging for help for months, and finally after going to a routine appt the Dr asks me how I'm doing and if I'm ok...I tell her no, that I was frustrated because nobody would listen to me and I didn't know how to handle this, so she sends me to the ER....but Barney Fife (read, VA security) is waiting on me to handcuff me as I'm "crazy" and "a danger to everybody"....luckilly the PhD came down and rescued me.

I went through the bull**** PTSD screening with a counselor (note, NOT PHD or Dr) and she labeled me as "severe PTSD" and referred me to the PhD....after waiting 8 MONTHS to get into this program and attending only 1 class thus far out of the 8, I think I've done the preliminary steps to be deemed "positive" for PTSD...now the RO say's there is no evidence.

Do I need to check myself into the VA ER to be taken and seen seriously?

…………………à ¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢ €¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦
the VA is very reluctant to give a person any service claim for any disorder; the sad thing is that you have to fight for it. Do not give up and never let claim die or you will have to start over. Get the help of a service officer, and work on the claim also. Get information from your past that shows no problems before the service; get all your records from when you served until now; and submit the information that is related to your claim. It took me two years to get some service connection but I was lucky in sense that I had super service officer and a couple of more important people to help me; but had to work harder for higher percentage and finally P&T which is permanent and total meaning you never have to go through another exam again. I did this by focusing on what I needed in my life so often had to focus way down the road again (to know that all the (crap) was worth it. Do not, I want to say, do not give up, no matter how hard it seems at times. Working a claim often means the PTSD problems feel worse, but I will tell you and anyone else, it is all worth it in the long run.

…………………à ¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢ €¦â€¦â€¦..

Oh, rest assured, I will not go away lol...I will become their worst nightmare and continue to pester both my Senator's and local Congressional representative until I have what I want, 100% disability as I can't work due to PTSD and this has been mentioned in my visits with my Dr from the VA.

But yeah, the VA flat out told me I was not a combat veteran because I did not have the CAR, even though my DD 214 has Operation Silver Wake and others listed and I was awarded the Armed Forces Expeditionary Medal for them.

I was not aware that the guidelines for the CAR have been amended since my retirement, or I would have actively pursued it from either my Battalion or Regimental Commanders assistance. Now that I have references and the criteria, and have contacted my old OIC from the float, I don't see a problem with being awarded the CAR retroactively to 1997 when Silver Wake occured.

The Senator's aide was just as confused as I was today when I asked the question: How can you be diagnosed with PTSD, be prescribed both anti-depressants and anxiety medication, and be enrolled in the PTSD classes/support groups but not have it?? Makes no sense to me. I was also physically in Sierra Leon in Africa after Albania staging for the NEO out of Zaire.

This is a collossal pain in the nuts, but I think I will win eventually....I have the documentation and awards to support it. I am reaching out to DFAS to get pay records during the period showing I received imminent danger pay. I am not stopping until I have what I want.

…………………à ¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢ €¦..
I got hit hard today...why, I don't know...I just woke up very anxious for lack of a better word....but all day...images and thoughts have been creeping in...some I remembered clearly...others I think I've "forgotten" them for a while....but it all came back.

One is from a Harrier crash....it was one of the ones that VMAT-203 used for training....something went horribly wrong...either the pilot didn't believe his instruments, or there was a malfunction.... he ejected inverted at about 40 feet from the runway so he hit the ground via the ejection seat....I remember having the crane and TRAM's out there and seeing red bags around the area (body parts).....

I've thought about Africa today too....I don't know why....just keep seeing the child shot over, and over, and over....seeing his head explode....and the "thud" he made when he hit the ground....like a ****ed up DVD that skips....

I don't know why, but I feel that I had some ****ed up dreams last night....I'm seriously afraid to go to sleep now.....when I'm awake, I can kinda defend myself....when I sleep it's like a open playground....

Anybody else...

Incidentally, the VA doesn't seem that these or my diagnosis for PTSD are compensable...

…………………à ¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢ €¦.
You’re suffering from the same symptoms as the rest of us. When my thought's get real bad, I bunker in, and stay awake as long as I can....listening. Can't stop the dreams, and flash-backs, but when I wake up....I'm crying and sweating, like an athlete who lost the race. Shrink gave me Zanax about a year ago, but only made me put on weight! Took 3 weeks to cut down, and OUT of the Zanax!! When I lay down, I fantasize about nasty women, fast cars, and being young....again! In about 5 min., I'm asleep....for about 3-4 hours. Come on the web, drink some DIET soda, smoke a few, and just lie down when I get tired.....WORKS!! Sleep another 2-3 hours, and get up to start breakfast....laughing about what to say in the "Morning Zephyer"!!! Keeping my little peanut brain busy, and my beautiful body active...makes time pass more easily. Getting help from the V.A., is a B!TCH!! Don't quit...keep hammering them! Re-file your claim over, and over, with a shrink's diagnosis (outside Dr.) and get his PROGNOSIS...TOO!! DO NOT HOLD BACK IN A SHRINK'S OFFICE!! Tell him EVERYTHING about you, your exp. in the Corps, and the kind of life you've led. PLEASE DON'T QUIT!!!

…………………à ¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦.

Thats why I stopped going to the VA.
Wife wants me to go back. I told my family Dr. and he has put me on prozak, and Ambien.
Still get the shakes from time to time. Damm near wreak the car if a plane comes low overhead, and it comes from behind (toward me, I can prepare). To this day I can tell you how many people are around me in a place (head counts).
I've woken up a few times reaching for a weapon and gas mask, that are not there. When this happens, wife won't come near me, she throws shoes at me to wake me up.
I have always loved lightning storms (still do), but thunder really makes me jump.
Is their an end to this ??
Mine comes from "91, It is now 2009, No end in sight.
I've gone to those meetings, and feel bad when people have real issues, and here I am with my small issues. So I live with it.
Good luck.
if it helps, just remember, you are NOT alone.


…………………à ¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢ €¦..
DisneyLand after dark gives me the creeps. When fire works that are like illumination go off I want to find a place where I can take cover and still see movement around me. It only lasts a few seconds but still happens ever time I take the girls there. That **** is 40 years old. 20 years ago I'd have gone for cover.
As to the original question.. many times for many years. Hang in there brother and keep seeking help. BTW booze may seem like a good solution.. IT'S NOT! believe me.


…………………à ¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦.


SSGT....if your "small issues", are affecting your daily life, then they're NOT THAT SMALL!! There's no end to the symptoms, but if you find a good shrink, or counselor...specific help IS available. PTSD treatment, by the V.A., SHOULD follow certain guidelines. In group therapy, you are supposed to start in a 1st timer group, then move up the line two more times, over a period of time, that YOU and your therapist agree on. 90% of your support will come from group members who are just like you. What got me going down this road, was my anger!! I'd go to group, and hear the same old crap, over and over!! DID NOT HOLD BACK!! I let it ALL out, and was finally "heard"!! Group members fell in line, and offered their comfort, and understanding. NOT EASY!! BUT...I didn't give a sh!t, I wanted CONTROL OF MY LIFE...BACK!!! Told the group, therapist, AND my shrink....they could keep their dam money, just fix ME!!! One day at a time, one foot in front of the other....every day...every day...every day...STILL!!! I will not be cured....BUT, I will NOT QUIT, OR GIVE UP!!! We're HERE to listen, and help in any way we can. That's Not B.S., that's just "the way it is"!!!!.....WELCOME HOME, BROTHER!

…………………à ¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦.
Amazingly I'm not a raving alcoholic...I have never been a big drinker, I can count on one hand how many times I've really been hammered...so I'm fortunate in that respect...and I don't do drugs that aren't prescribed...

The worst thing with PTSD is how you're viewed by the VA...to them you're just another crazy ass vet and get treated with indifference at best, fear at worst...

PTSD is bad because you can't see the injury...not all wounds are physical...but every bit as debilitating...some days I'm good...other days I'm a basket case....scary part is I usually have no idea why I'm either...


…………………à ¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢ €¦.

PTSD is very, very complicated, there is NO cure, and we CAN NOT overcome the symptoms...by ourselves. The ONLY way to survive, is with the support of family, and our suffering Brother's. NO MED'S WILL MAKE YOU BETTER, OR CHANGE YOUR PAST!!! Learning just who we are...individually...makes US stronger...so that we can fight back, every hour...every day. Are you willing to FIGHT for your SANITY...and your LIFE??? OR...just lie there, and feel sorry for yourself?? FVCK THAT!!! We're NOT PUZZY'S! I am responsible for ALL of my ACTIONS...GOOD, OR BAD!! I may NOT like myself, and the life I've had, BUT...I can not fix my past, I CAN do my best with what I've got, some med's, some group therapy, and visits to my shrink, every couple of months. I...AND YOU...should NOT carry this burden ALONE!!! Let's help each other. My prayers are with EVERYONE of you, suffering. PM me, if you like...I WILL NOT tell you how to live your life!!! I'm always here, and will give ALL of you my best.

…………………à ¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢ €¦.

I remember about 2 weeks to a month after I got home I had my 1st nightmare. I was scared to go asleep for many months after that. maybe even years. I didn't want to go to sleep and go through that again. Thats's when I found out I could go to sleep if I wa sh*t faced drunk (very very bad idea) then i started taking sleeping pills. then i was so messed up the next day from the booze and pills that I had to take caffeine pills to stay up. then the cycle repeated. i won't go to the VA again b'c of the way i felt there. I've been to several civilian docs and ive come along way. it does help. i still take a pill everynight to sleep but i live an almost normal life. at least it looks normal on the outside. i want to go to VA b'c i think they have more exp dealing with us, i just dont want to have to jumo thru hoops. I wish you could go and say , i don't want ANY money. i just want to be fixed. oh well sorry to hijack your post. best of luck to you


…………………à ¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦.
To this day, I never get a full deep sleep what is called good REM sleep. I sleep what we once called Nam sleep half wake and half a sleep. Anyways, I don't sleep very well at night when I get some sleep its about 2 hours worth of sleep then up for the rest of the day. PTSD is a ***** she always bits you in your sleep.

Here is something you can use...Start marking down on a calendar those nights that give you bad restless sleep, and mark down those when you get far sleep and so on. Work out a color code for yourself within 6 months you will see those bad night patterns then you can associate those bad nights with events that happen to you.

You can't change those events but you can be better prepared when those days creep up on you.

…………………à ¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢ €¦.
I did for a long time. The same year I got out of the Corps after getting back from Iraq it wasn't uncommon for me to be up for up to three days at a time. I'd have all the blinds open lights on during the day and couldn't stay sleep. I'd fall asleep and instantly wake up because of some horrible nightmare. Or I'd fall asleep and not be able to wake up and it would be a variation of the many patrols in iraq and other stuff from normal life mixed in with it.

Few months ago I had a dream we were out on patrol along an L shaped road and then one by one we got shot from behind and I was unable to get into the other Marines body to shoot for them after we realized that we weren't taking fire from the front.

This was all after I destroyed my career when I was no longer able to be out with the line Co. I just unraveled and unfortunately didn't get it together in time to save myself

[Libertarian_Guard]

well it seem today i have a weird day all day ,been told by wife she is tired of my mental illness, my daugher tells me to stop. ihave no idea what going on,now that i been geing help a mental healh for three years,my home life is going to ****. they now are sure iam mental,icant say anything without it being syco, iam trying to get right, thought they would be my support team, there no drugs or boose involed.for three years,just mental health at va,i dont know what to do ,cant sleep even on the meds .mind is in overdrive thinking icant loose them all i got. but today was a shoot of reallty. and ever scince i told them about the 7 week in pataient iam goin to do,it like i have scared them to death, now they have a club to use on me , when i get ptst out, now iam mental to them, yea iam a marine suppose to suck it up, i have suck it up 24/7 over there,judge told me one more assult and i will due time,idont think this has any thing to do with toughness, this is like being told by only two people i care that it iam to hard to live and they had enought , its about wear and tear on them over 25 years, what am i goin to do, just when i thought iwas all most made it to thetop i slid all the way down, suck it up,these people are not marines, killing myself is easer to understand, had a bad day /night/ see my therapest tuesday, i tell her change my meds thats the cure,i take my daughter to family help at va ,you know when you try and it blows up,it really makes me mad cant see straight, if there any advice iam open iam bounceing off the bottom again, i wish i could go on one more day sweep.or a lp.even point .would be less painfull. ,,,,,one day of happiness is my goal, how can i fix this,iam really a nice person i tkink. this really sucks

…………………à ¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢ €¦.
My wife doesn't understand why I am always looking to buy a gun, she thinks it's a man thing but little does she know it's out of habbit and muscle memory. It feels weird going outside at night with no weapon. Even just for a short walk to the car to get something out of the glove box at night.

[BoatingAccident]

Hey Libertarian_Guard,

My experiences were different then yours, but I really don't think there's an answer. I think medications are BS, and make things works, personally..

Every now and then, a lot of sounds, sound like gunfire...to me. Causes me a double take.

The best things I've done, is just remove myself from people, everyone. When the past comes a running.

Best to you, I wish I had better advise to give you. Just know there's nothing wrong with you, it's life experiences that shape us, as the men we are.

[oldmansmith]

You have my best wishes Libertarian guard. My only advice is to not give up. You can overcome what happened, but you have to re-program yourself. I've done it with lesser things; you have real challenge but it is not impossible.

[Libertarian_Guard]

Hey Libertarian_Guard,

My experiences were different then yours, but I really don't think there's an answer. I think medications are BS, and make things works, personally..

Every now and then, a lot of sounds, sound like gunfire...to me. Causes me a double take.

The best things I've done, is just remove myself from people, everyone. When the past comes a running.

Best to you, I wish I had better advise to give you. Just know there's nothing wrong with you, it's life experiences that shape us, as the men we are.




BoatingAccident

I'm sorry for any misunderstanding here, but everything I posted was cut & paste, none of it were my words or experiences.

[Defender]

Please be aware that I am not advising against seeking competent treatment. I wish only that you, and every service man/woman, educate yourselves as to the possible consequences of getting counseling/treatment - mainly the loss of your 2nd Amendment Rights and maybe even being put on a no-fly list.

If one really needs help, it might be possible to do so through other means than the VA or Tricare. Possibilities are private pay for counseling or admission to a general hospitial (not psych ward) by an understanding general practioner/family doctor (not a psychiatrist) for "miscellaneous" reasons.

[Libertarian_Guard]

Educate yourself as to the possible consequences of getting counseling/treatment - mainly the loss of your 2nd Amendment Rights.


Veterans know this, and this is a big reason why many never seek treatment.

[Gypsybiker45]

Deal with your demons brother, I saw nasty shit in the GW1,and I still have bad dreams, they are part of you now. Do you know why they are? Because you are HUMAN! If it didnt bother you, you would be less of a man. I had an uncle that was a Marine in WWII, Saipan, Tarawa,Leyte. he saw shit on a scale me and you could never imagine. he had dreams the rest of his life,he taught me how to deal with it. almost like an alcoholic does, facing the guilt(thats what PTSD really is) I found spiritual relief in the form of my Native ancestors belief. everyone is different. When the world closes in, sometimes you just have to listen to the wind. Living in large cities doesnt help the confines and many people and noises irrritate the symptoms, sirens when asleep may translate in to alarm red sirens to the subconcious, loud noises may trigger gunfire responses. etc.only you know what you want and need. Im not going to tell you to not take medications. they may indeed help you. as far as your wife goes, you need to re examine your relationship ,what if you had cancer? would she complain about that? I suggest you find something someplace comfortable and let that work for a bit, your life has changed, youve changed, and you will have to change as well, your different now.

[Book]

I'm sorry for any misunderstanding here, but everything I posted was cut & paste, none of it were my words or experiences.


Go back and post this at the top of your thread.

[Gypsybiker45]

I'm sorry for any misunderstanding here, but everything I posted was cut & paste, none of it were my words or experiences.


Go back and post this at the top of your thread.





yea no kiddin! just noticed that myself!

[Carbon]

I'm sorry for any misunderstanding here, but everything I posted was cut & paste, none of it were my words or experiences.


Go back and post this at the top of your thread.




... and maybe supply a link to the source, while he's at it?

[Uncle Salty]

Hang in there brother.

How about a vet's forum here?

[peachesinfla]

I feel for you LG. I had no idea they were sending 60 something's off to War. Best of luck. 8)

[Libertarian_Guard]

1000 Mile Stare

When I was in country Marble Mt MAG-16:HMM361:H&MS-16 we used to extract bros' from the bush in our choppers..some had spent some time
in combat under harsh conditons..some wanted to come with their kia'd bro in the chopper..these grunts spoke very little, almost always covered in red clay and just stared at nothing,,,when I'd asked them a question
about what they went through, they spoke very low..their head would look straight ahead, then drop halfway down to the ground then just drop to the ground..I saw this time and time again...something I don't see from troops coming from the middle east,,is it just me that notices this?

.................................................. ....................

I had a Cousin that asked Me what it was like over there Jack living in the Jungle and People trying too Kill you 24/7?I Took His Remington Shotgun that was Loaded and Pointed it at His Face snapped the Safety off and did not say a word He was in SHOCK,Then about 30 seconds later; It was kinda like that 24/7 I said...He said years later that looking in my Eyes was like looking in the Depths of Hell

.................................................. ...........

I used to go to the bars and pick a place with my back to the wall and drink beer. I didnt want to talk to anyone. Just wanted so solitude. I wasnt really thinking about anything. It was like I knew what was going on in life and no one else did. Like trying to keep a secret from the whole world. I just had a hard time letting go.

..................................................

There is not a day that don't go by no matter where I am at my back is not against a wall covering all open areas. I still will jump if someone walks up behind me. These days, my hearing is filled with ringing unable to hear those foot steps like I use to years ago.

Years ago, in fact, 27 years ago is when I stop drinking alcohol I called it my liquid death serum no matter what bar I went into I got into a fight my anger was working overtime. Didn't know it was fueling my PTSD. Today, my PTSD fuels my PTSD. I still walk looking with my head down even if I'm in a store I'll catch myself looking down; paddy walking never leaves you.

I isolate too much and I know I do. I'm working on it by going back to bike riding hope to run into other Nam vets but I don't drink or smoke and my hardcore biker days are over; sometimes I don't know what I am searching for, I know I'm looking for something maybe I'm looking for me.

Red dust God, that dirt was stuck to me like glue. After I left the Nam and came home my first five home showers finally was able to wash off all that red iron dirt off my body; for good. I still have my jungle boots red dust and all.

[Nomen luni]

For the benefit of BoatingAccident, I recommend this:

www.emofree.com

http://www.emofree.com/downloadeftmanual.asp

Download the free pdf on eft, and you can be up and applying it to yourself within an hour.

[Libertarian_Guard]

So I had been threw a few beers last night when I had a moment of crisis and realization. Somewhere along the lines of time I have lost my way and that had brought me to crisis once I had this realization. A bit of background first, I was in the Corps from 2002 – 2006 as a grunt but doing my first 2 years in Fleet anti-terrorism security team and my other 2 years in the fleet. I deployed to Iraq in 2005 as a squad leader of a combined anti-armor team where I had over $300,000 in equipment and 8 other lives to keep watch over and being ultimately responsible for. Now that was a pretty big responsibility for a 22 year old “manboy”.

Without going too much into it, yes we saw combat I fired my weapon at the enemy; I stuck down a few of them and commanded the deaths of many others threw my squad and the assets we had at our hands. What an experience this was, I wouldn’t say I got any joy out of taking another person’s life cause I didn’t, it was pure survival and I did what had to be done to make sure my boys made it home and I would do it all again just to get the same results, those being not losing one of my own Marines in combat.

So as I continued to suck down another can of death as I have been doing for years for reason I still wasn’t sure of anymore. Could be to wash the memories of all that crap in Iraq away or maybe my 4 years in the Marines made me an alcoholic or maybe a combination of the two, I just don’t know. It struck me like a ton of bricks all these memories started flooding my memory and it was becoming painful. This is along the lines of what I was thinking.

“Wow! In your life thus far you actually joined the military and actually went to a foreign country and engaged and killed other human beings. Not only did you spend 7 months over there where the threat of loss of life was a daily occurrence you didn’t give a fuck about that part.”
This line of thought quickly rolled over to more thoughts and repressed images and feelings I have put in the back of my tool box for years. I continued along these lines: “how many people in the world have experienced these things? I mean I have seen dead bodies, been engaged in combat, seen people die, caused people to die, been hit by IED’s, lost friends lots of friends.” I thought about this for a long ass time and dissected it replaying those 7 months over and over in my head again and again every little detail. I proceeded to grab some more beer and crack one open. This is when I asked myself why the hell did I do these things? I have truly lost the reason why I had signed up and went to war. I kept saying to myself why would anyone in their right mind do this to themselves? I couldn’t put my finger on it.

After all this is when I started getting really negative what I have done with my life since I left the Marines? I’ll tell you, fucking nothing is what. Sure I have been going to school but why, I don’t know what it is that I wanted to do, its like I had lost my way and all my dreams because of war and the horrible things I had seen and had to do. I have moved from place to place going to different schools and lost my marriage to this whole crazy life I have been living (granted that was for the best I didn’t much dig her anymore anyhow). These things all came rushing into my head and settled the weight of the world on my shoulders. I felt like a complete shit bag. Understandable that’s for sure cause that what I had become. Don’t fret there is a realization coming soon.

I couldn’t seriously believe this but I knew it was all true, 70% disabled because of Iraq be advised most of that is just for PTSD. That money is the only thing that was keeping me from being homeless that and my school money. Lets be honest too, I never did so well in school since I have been bouncing around from place to place and my memory has been stolen from me from IED’s so concentration is ruff. Its been years and I have no degree to show for it. So I kept thinking about all of this and like another ton of bricks my question had been answered about why I put myself threw all of this and it made me feel at least somewhat better. I put myself threw war and hell because I love my country and I would have done anything for her including giving up my life. It was as simple as that. I joined before there was any war but I remember my 18 year old naïve ass thinking I want to go to war it will make me a man, it’s the whole reason I joined the Marines and went into the infantry. When 9/11 happened it just made all those feelings stronger and I remember thinking that school morning when I turned on the news exactly this and I will never forget it “Well now you have your war!”. I remember being truly happy about the fact that I was going to get to fight in a war. How naïve was I thinking that, but at the same time I know it was right and wouldn’t change what I had been threw or done for the world. So I had justified this all in my head threw the simple reason of I love my country because I do.

But after I realized that I still have a bunch of other things that I need to take care of. First off by getting off the booze and finding my core values again which I have seemed to have lost many years ago, and find that dream I used to have and just go after it like I went after the Marine Corps. I am though saddened by the fact that it has taken me this many years to figure this out and with all the missed opportunities I am going to be starting at square one since it has been so long. But I think I’m okay with that, I just need to find the starting point. When all is said and done after last night I am so glad this whole crisis/revelation happened, now its time to make my fallen brothers happy by not so much letting them go, but not living with that guilt on my shoulders anymore they wouldn’t want me living like this. So thus now I’m on square one its all positive from here, I don’t care if I got to be a janitor for a year to get my foot more solidly placed into the work world again and I don’t care how long it takes its all uphill from here this I have realized, and unlike in the Marines when uphill was bad this is all good!

RIP Gilo, Roy, Cole, Wherly, Clay, Troyer. Your not forgotten but I must let you go.

[Book]

http://www.army.mil/-images/2008/09/29/23125/army.mil-23125-2008-12-12-191259.jpg

You get bad dreams livin' in da hood?

:oo-->

[kregener]

Philippians 4:13

I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.