Awoke
27th April 2010, 07:13 PM
Courtesy of GATAs email list in conjunction with the Borowitz Report:
Somali pirates say they are subsidiary of Goldman Sachs
Submitted by cpowell on 06:48PM ET Tuesday, April 27, 2010. Section: Daily Dispatches
Could Make Prosecution Difficult, Experts Say
By Andy Borowitz
The Borowitz Report
Sunday, April 25, 2010
http://www.borowitzreport.com/
NORFOLK, Virginia -- Eleven indicted Somali pirates dropped a bombshell in a U.S. court today, revealing that their entire piracy operation is a subsidiary of banking giant Goldman Sachs.
There was an audible gasp in the courtroom when the leader of the pirates announced, "We are doing God's work. We work for Lloyd Blankfein."
The pirate, who said he earned a bonus of $48 million in dubloons last year, elaborated on the nature of the Somalis' work for Goldman, explaining that the pirates attacked ships that Goldman had already shorted.
"We were functioning as investment bankers, only every day was casual Friday," the pirate said.
The pirate acknowledged that they merged their operations with Goldman in late 2008 to take advantage of the more relaxed regulations governing bankers as opposed to pirates, "plus to get our share of the bailout money."
In the aftermath of the shocking revelations, government prosecutors were scrambling to see if they still had a case against the Somali pirates, who would now be treated as bankers in the eyes of the law.
"There are lots of laws that could bring these guys down if they were, in fact, pirates," one government source said. "But if they’re bankers, our hands are tied."
Somali pirates say they are subsidiary of Goldman Sachs
Submitted by cpowell on 06:48PM ET Tuesday, April 27, 2010. Section: Daily Dispatches
Could Make Prosecution Difficult, Experts Say
By Andy Borowitz
The Borowitz Report
Sunday, April 25, 2010
http://www.borowitzreport.com/
NORFOLK, Virginia -- Eleven indicted Somali pirates dropped a bombshell in a U.S. court today, revealing that their entire piracy operation is a subsidiary of banking giant Goldman Sachs.
There was an audible gasp in the courtroom when the leader of the pirates announced, "We are doing God's work. We work for Lloyd Blankfein."
The pirate, who said he earned a bonus of $48 million in dubloons last year, elaborated on the nature of the Somalis' work for Goldman, explaining that the pirates attacked ships that Goldman had already shorted.
"We were functioning as investment bankers, only every day was casual Friday," the pirate said.
The pirate acknowledged that they merged their operations with Goldman in late 2008 to take advantage of the more relaxed regulations governing bankers as opposed to pirates, "plus to get our share of the bailout money."
In the aftermath of the shocking revelations, government prosecutors were scrambling to see if they still had a case against the Somali pirates, who would now be treated as bankers in the eyes of the law.
"There are lots of laws that could bring these guys down if they were, in fact, pirates," one government source said. "But if they’re bankers, our hands are tied."