Dave Barry: 19 THINGS THAT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN

[SQUEXX]

19 THINGS THAT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN
by Dave Barry

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has
not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would
be, "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
want you to share yours with them.

5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories,
decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His
messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously.

8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

10. Never lick a steak knife.

11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant, unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That age is eleven.

16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

19. Your friends love you anyway.

[MNeagle]

Very nice! Thanks for posting this smile-maker! :D

[AndreaGail]

18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)


I've found this to be quite accurate

[k-os]

#2 and number #18 are my favorites.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has
not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would
be, "meetings."

At my last job, I told them, with no uncertain terms that I would not go to meetings. I got away with it with very few exceptions, for 6 years. When my boss did force me to go into meetings, he found out quickly how poorly I behaved in them, and decided that my time is best served alone, behind a computer screen.

18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

I went on a date with a really rich guy once. He took me to have dim sum, and among other delicacies, I tasted a duck's foot, which was really weird. Anyway . . . I was nice to the waiter and busboys, thanking them when they took my order or filled my water glass. The dude who I as on a date with said "You don't have to thank them." That one sentence has made me dislike wealthy guys, and I have never gone on a date with once since. I was disgusted.

[Twisted Titan]

#2 and number #18 are my favorites.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has
not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would
be, "meetings."

At my last job, I told them, with no uncertain terms that I would not go to meetings. I got away with it with very few exceptions, for 6 years. When my boss did force me to go into meetings, he found out quickly how poorly I behaved in them, and decided that my time is best served alone, behind a computer screen.

18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

I went on a date with a really rich guy once. He took me to have dim sum, and among other delicacies, I tasted a duck's foot, which was really weird. Anyway . . . I was nice to the waiter and busboys, thanking them when they took my order or filled my water glass. The dude who I as on a date with said "You don't have to thank them." That one sentence has made me dislike wealthy guys, and I have never gone on a date with once since. I was disgusted.


The same way he treats the bus boys

He would have l eventually treated you

It would have only been a matter of time.

You were wise to dump him.

T

[Awoke]

Titan is right on with that post.

The guy was obviously a douche, and you are obviously a person of integrity.

[Serpo]

#2 and number #18 are my favorites.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has
not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would
be, "meetings."

At my last job, I told them, with no uncertain terms that I would not go to meetings. I got away with it with very few exceptions, for 6 years. When my boss did force me to go into meetings, he found out quickly how poorly I behaved in them, and decided that my time is best served alone, behind a computer screen.

18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

I went on a date with a really rich guy once. He took me to have dim sum, and among other delicacies, I tasted a duck's foot, which was really weird. Anyway . . . I was nice to the waiter and busboys, thanking them when they took my order or filled my water glass. The dude who I as on a date with said "You don't have to thank them." That one sentence has made me dislike wealthy guys, and I have never gone on a date with once since. I was disgusted.


Yes eating ducks feet and being rude to waiters is maybe how the so called rich enjoy themselves.

Being nice to someone feels alot better than being bad to someone.

The fact he is telling you how you should be is telling in itself

A lot of people with wealth put on airs ,this is normal makes me sick.

This one is a bit of a laugh

5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories,
decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His
messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

[SLV^GLD]

I've seen this list several times over the years. Every time it is funny. Every time the truth in each statement becomes more obvious.
Why is it we find humor in the truth?

[muffin]

I've seen this list several times over the years. Every time it is funny. Every time the truth in each statement becomes more obvious.
Why is it we find humor in the truth?


Because, sometimes, you just have to laugh at the situation.... which brings us to #7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

[wildcard]

I've got a couple to add to the list.

Never cook bacon naked.

Don't play cards with anyone named after a Texas town.

[StreetsOfGold]

20. NEVER trust a forum moderator whose name rhymes with CON ;)

[Serpo]

I've seen this list several times over the years. Every time it is funny. Every time the truth in each statement becomes more obvious.
Why is it we find humor in the truth?


Because it is so rare nowdays.....

[Dave Thomas]

I liked number 2 and definitely number 6.

I wish I figured that out sooner.

[hoarder]

I went on a date with a really rich guy once. He took me to have dim sum, and among other delicacies, I tasted a duck's foot, which was really weird. Anyway . . . I was nice to the waiter and busboys, thanking them when they took my order or filled my water glass. The dude who I as on a date with said "You don't have to thank them." That one sentence has made me dislike wealthy guys, and I have never gone on a date with once since. I was disgusted.
This discussion came up on GIM1 once. I have to agree with the guy who said "you don't have to thank them".

When I'm hired to do a job I absolutely DO NOT expect nor want thanks. I work for MONEY, not feathers, thanks or glory. When I get paid to do a job, I have a DUTY to perform that job well, with or without thanks. If I do my job well and get paid, but do not receive thanks, my feelings are not hurt.

That said, anyone who treats waiters/waitresses rudely is probably a jerk, or having a bad day. I try to be civil with everyone I meet.

[Saul Mine]

There is a distinction between old rich and new rich. The old rich have learned that good help is hard to find, so they try to be as nice as possible in hopes of retaining the good help. The new rich have learned that being a jerk is profitable (in the short term at least), so they try to be jerks all the time.

The distinction applies to wider topics: the old rich buy good quality stuff and take care of it, the new rich buy gaudy stuff and trash it.

[wildcard]

I remembered another one today: never ask your significant other if they know what they're doing.

[StackerKen]

I remembered another one today: never ask your significant other if they know what they're doing.


Thats a good one Wildcard.....I still mess that up sometimes...But you are right.



Good OP...thanks

[General of Darkness]

If I might add.

You can only control one thing, and that's yourself.