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Serpo
19th September 2010, 03:36 PM
A Message from John Cleese, British comedian to the citizens of the United States of America.

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium and nuclear, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing them.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)… roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). In the meantime don't try rugby – the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game that is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes, plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God save the Queen! ;-)

no link...

crazychicken
19th September 2010, 03:43 PM
Damn if that isn't funny---and very relevent!

CC

EE_
19th September 2010, 03:50 PM
The people of the US will oblige you to your demands just like always, as the spineless jellyfish they have become...but I regret to inform, that you are going to have a problem with #11.

1970 silver art
19th September 2010, 03:56 PM
There is also going to be a very big problem with # 12. American Football will NEVER stop. BTW this is funny. Thanks for sharing.

gunDriller
19th September 2010, 04:22 PM
i believe the Killer Rabbit is English.

i'm not sure if Missile Defense works on Killer Rabbits.

We're Doomed. :o

EE_
19th September 2010, 04:38 PM
If the Queen (Rothschild's agent) says no football, there will be none!

Godfathers of the earth
http://www.helpfreetheearth.com/articles_2.html

Today, public money is in the private hands of the illuminati ruling families who own all of the world's leading banks including the privatized central banks. How did they do it? It started with the very first banks. In the beginning, banks were a safe place for people to store their gold. When the bankers discovered that people left most of their gold in the bank for safe keeping, they started lending out the gold that didn't belong to them and charging interest on it. Soon, Kings and royalty were borrowing gold from the bankers to finance their wars. Since wars were extremely good for business, the bankers started stirring up conflicts that led to more wars...then they lent out money to both sides of the wars and collected interest at loan shark rates.

Out of every $1000 that each of their customer's deposited in their banks, the bankers kept only $100 on hand. They took the rest of their customer's money and made loans with it, invested it and started up other businesses – like the steel business to create rails for their railroad companies to transport oil for their oil companies. Pretty soon, their businesses grew into giant corporations. Those giant corporations turned the world's oceans, lakes, rivers, air and soil into corporate toilets.

Eventually, the banksters got so rich that they built banks all over the world. They made millions in interest just by loaning out other people's money that didn’t belong to them. They bought mansions and fancy clothes and hosted extravagant parties. The royal families of Europe were the banksters biggest customers and granted them high society titles like ‘baron’ and ‘lord’ and ‘sir’.

The banksters used their money and royal influence to sponsor corrupt politicians into power so that they could change the laws of nations. By changing laws, they were able to put the world's central banks, mints and the money supply into private hands - their private hands. When profits from all of their oil, mining and drug companies soared, the banksters became the world's richest men...but their greed had no limits. They wanted to own the entire world…so they put their heads together and came up with an ingenious scheme to take control of all of the world's money and riches. They figured out that whoever owns all of the world's money - owns the world!

The banksters eventually became the owners of the world’s biggest publishing, TV, radio, music, movie, telecommunications and advertising companies. Using their media monopolies, they launched a huge advertising campaign. “Why save up your money and wait to get all the things you want in life? You can have everything you ever dreamed of having right now! All you need is a shiny plastic card.”

People rushed to fill up their wallets with shiny plastic cards instead of money. Like lottery winners, they went on drunken buying sprees and bought everything in sight – all the things they couldn't afford. Nobody even noticed when their hard earned pay cheques were automatically deposited in the bank without even being cashed. Paying by cheque soon became unfashionable. “Why bother paying by cheque when your bills, fines, taxes and purchases can be automatically deleted from your account?” Eventually, money was phased out all together and replaced with “units of credit” which amounted to nothing more than numbers on a computer screen.

The banksters next scheme was to phase out plastic and phase in their newest inventions - bar code tattoos and microchips. “Why use a plastic card when you can get a bar code invisibly tattooed onto your wrist or a tiny microchip implanted under your skin with all of your credit information? It’s like having an invisible debit card. Nobody can steal it from you!” Everybody rushed to get one. All people had to do to buy whatever they wanted in life is scan their wrist tattoo or microchip over a scanner. No more line-ups!

When people sobered up from their drunken spending sprees, they realized too late that their power to buy the most basic necessities in life had fallen completely into the hands of the banksters. Suddenly they couldn't buy gas, food, medicine, clothes or even a cup of coffee without scanning their wrist tattoo. They had traded in their hard earned cash for nothing more than a bunch of digits on a computer screen. Their real money had became virtually ‘unreal’. Not only did the banksters own all of the world's ‘real’ money supply, they now had the power to delete a person's lifetime of savings. But why would these friendly banksters commit such an evil deed? To force people's cooperation under their New World Order.

This futuristic scenario is not as futuristic as it sounds. Invisible wrist tattoos containing all of a person's credit information have already been developed for monetary and credit transactions. A patent was issued in March, 1999 titled, "Method For Verifying Human Identity During Electronic Sale Transactions," patent number US5878155. Motorola’s new "microchip" will replace all of the cards in your wallet. Without your chip implant, you will not be able to withdraw money from a bank, receive benefits from the government, buy or sell food or take care of yourself and your family. The chip will include data on your family history, address, occupation, medical, military, criminal and psychiatric record, credit history, income tax information, etc. In 1997, the “Digital Angel” microchip was implanted into humans in the U.S. and could send and receive signals using the Global Positioning Satellite (GPS). Applied Digital Solutions which produced the controversial "Digital Angel" tracking device as well as the "Verichip" has developed the technology using satellites to track people.

FILTHY RICH
Read more….
http://www.helpfreetheearth.com/articles_2.html

Saul Mine
19th September 2010, 05:04 PM
1. Then look up aluminium and nuclear, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing them.


Sir Humphry Davy, 1st Baronet FRS MRIA (17 December 1778 – 29 May 1829) was a British chemist and inventor. [wikipedia, emphasis added] He proposed three names for the new metal: alumium, aluminium, and aluminum. At first the British preferred to call it aluminum while the Americans preferred aluminium. For unknown reasons, both nations changed their preferences at about the same time.

nunaem
19th September 2010, 05:36 PM
I wish they would do #10. There is a reason Americans freeze their beer to numb their taste buds, it's shit.