Accuracy of speech and reasonable discussions- wife rant

[Spectrism]

OK... just blowing off steam here. I don't suppose this kind of thing ever happens to any of you.

So, this morning I was talking with my wife. Actually, she was doing most of the talking. She was talking about some people in the family and friends- just relating events. Talking about guys dating our niece- she gives descriptions of work, events, etc and without informing me that she is talking about another person, she keeps on. At one point something does not add up and I point out the contradiction and she says she is talking about someone else now. So I say it would be nice to let me know when you change topics or people. How else would I know?

At this point I should at least be getting points for actually listening. Hmmm... maybe that is a mistake on my part.


So I read Gailo's thread on the cheap-ass-oils and learned about "canola" oil. I didn't know what I read so I shared that with my wife. Turns out she had an almost empty bottle of "canola". I had purchased rapeseed oil for preps and now will use it for something else. So my wife tells me her "canola" is not like my rapeseed. I told her that canola is GM-rapeseed. She insists it is better because of the color and it was packaged in New York and it came from Whole Foods. So I ask her how she can judge quality or toxicity by color and is everythig from New York good?

OK... no big firestorm yet. I should have seen the smoke signals... but no... I am just interested in accurate conversation and I think I can reason through such things.


The final straw.

Wife: R (daughter) has been working hard at the new job.
Me: Do you know her work conditions?
Wife: She is doing on-line orders.
Me: What does that mean?
Wife: She is on her feet all day.
Me: Is she boxing orders?
Wife: She is doing on-line orders.
Me: Does that mean she is/// -I get cut off
Wife: I told you she is doing on-line orders.
Me: I wanted to know the wor/// -I get cut off
Wife: Why are you being so unreasonable?....

She totally shuts me off and does not listen to what I have to say about discussing things.

Holy Sheee-ite! If you don't know, just say you don't know! It is as if there is no capability for some people to logically progress in a discussion. That really burns my butt. And when I try, I am the bad guy.


Here is a typical conversation-
Me: I need to get some plumbing supplies. Do you want anything while I am out?
Wife: Well I need to wash some clothes.
Me: I won't shut off the water today.
Wife: Someone has to vacuum the floor.
Me: Someone will.
Wife: Who has time for that? I want to go get my swimming in.

I think you need to draw charts to keep track of where it is all going. Convoluted and disconnected topics pop into a simple question. And when you dare ask a direct question, you had best not expect a direct answer!


So anyway, I am disgusted that if we cannot discuss the simplest of things, how can we even begin to cover more difficult and pressing issues? Then she comes back to me to ask favors. And the coup-de-grace shot: "Do you forgive me?"

I then have to check the sincerety of this request for forgiveness. I ask "For what?"
Wife: Because you are impossible to talk to.


LOL... the forgiveness thing is so far out of line.... and she knows it.


Advice to single guys: DON'T DO IT!

[Ponce]

Now you know why I love my now gone cat........for a cat-wife she never gave me any problems, but she did talked back a lot.

[bellevuebully]

Advice to single guys: DON'T DO IT!




Strongly disagree. I have a wonderful family. I can't imagine what life would be like without them. Sorry for your troubles. Work it out. Usually the problem is not the other person.

[Spectrism]

Advice to single guys: DON'T DO IT!




Strongly disagree. I have a wonderful family. I can't imagine what life would be like without them. Sorry for your troubles. Work it out. Usually the problem is not the other person.


Most of the time, I agree with you. But every now and then we have to go back to square one. It is funny how I am often some weird nutcase storing away food and preparing for possible hardships and then when she hears from outsiders how bad things can get I am suddenly acceptable- for a while. And then it is back to the sheople mindset. Constant battle.

I am just having one of those Ponce days. No cat or dog ever tried to drag me up & down an emotional rollercoaster. No cat or dog ever accused me of being guilty of what they did. With the exception of having to live with self, people sometimes need to be avoided.

[chad]

you can't have sex with the cat.

[7th trump]

Ha............. GEE WIZ!!!!!!!
I live the same life as you do Spec.......
My wife does the exact same thing to me. I can never at times tell who the heck shes talking about........her mom, her sister, or her coworkers sometimes.
She has a sister, a coworker, and a friend all three having the same name and I've had to listen to her bitch about her sister in the begining of a little rant only find out she switched on me somewhere in the conversation to talking about her co worker friend.
The only way you can tell who shes talking about is by picking up on little details.
And when I ask her to stop for a minute to explain something (the little details) she gets pissed at me for not listening.

We have four kids 1, 3, 11 and 12. The three older are girls and the youngest is a boy.
She will spend all day cleaning the house and tells me she worked all day cleaning the house. I just say "big deal" and of course the fights on.
Anyway, we get into a pissing arguement where I say I dont want to hear it because you are capitalizing on the fact you take your sweet time cleaning the house where it should only take a few hours. I can have the house cleaned and the tile floor scrubbed in a matter of 2 hours and proved it to her several times. And thats feeding the little ones in between and getting them to take a nap.
Also, she gets upset with me because I have a handle on controling the kids when needed. She cannot do this because she thinks my approach of discipline (just being stern with them and not caving into letting them to do as they please) is to harsh for her standards.
Anyway the 3 year old walks all over her and all I hear is how shes had a rough day with the kids and needs to get out of the house for a few hours.
She starting to see that discipline dads way pays off.

[Libertytree]

Spectrism: "With the exception of having to live with self, people sometimes need to be avoided."

I wish I had a silver dime for every time I thought or said that! That could be due to my working with the public though?

[freespirit]

...personally i find that my frustration with others, whether it's a friend, spouse, etc., typically arises when i expect them to respond or act as i would to a given scenario...i have to remind myself that they have their own views, opinions and moral/ethical compass, and it's crazy for me to think that someone else is going to respond to things in the same manner i would. once i accept that, the frustration usually dissipates...

my advice, for whatever it may be worth...is admire your wife for her strengths, and love her for her shortcomings...hopefully she'll do the same for you.

[freespirit]

you can't have sex with the cat.



...or at least have it declawed first! lol ;D

[7th trump]

Advice to single guys: DON'T DO IT!




Strongly disagree. I have a wonderful family. I can't imagine what life would be like without them. Sorry for your troubles. Work it out. Usually the problem is not the other person.


Most of the time, I agree with you. But every now and then we have to go back to square one. It is funny how I am often some weird nutcase storing away food and preparing for possible hardships and then when she hears from outsiders how bad things can get I am suddenly acceptable- for a while. And then it is back to the sheople mindset. Constant battle.

I am just having one of those Ponce days. No cat or dog ever tried to drag me up & down an emotional rollercoaster. No cat or dog ever accused me of being guilty of what they did. With the exception of having to live with self, people sometimes need to be avoided.

My wife (city girl, I'm off the farm) is accepting ( not so much on some days than others) that I dont care nor want to hear her rollercoaster self inflicted drama.
My wife is the same way with my prepping. Her dad was over last week and said it would be wise to start having a little extra stuff on hand. Now I'm acceptable when someone agrees to my thinking, especially her dad.

[Horn]

my advice, for whatever it may be worth...is admire your wife for her strengths, and love her for her shortcomings...hopefully she'll do the same for you.



Good advice, that part in bold is what I find is the most incompatible part in my (and I think most) relationships.

If you have no problem with your partners shortcomings, they tend to turn into something that will make the bind stronger.

[zap]

You guys are so funny, most men can't do more then one or two things at a time,so I never tried to talk to him while he was doing something.

I have never been a big talker, but my husband was, jesus christ you have never seen somebody love to talk so much yakky yakky yak, just ridiculous, and I was in your shoes cause he would say are you listening, paying attention? I could repeat back to him word for word what he said.

I would finally just tell him, get to the point! what is the point of the story. :D

Edit; and we were always late where ever we went cause he never met a stranger.

[Spectrism]

LOL- Zap.... I don't claim to be able to do more than one thing at a time.

As for listening... I am pretty good there for the most part. My wife is not quite there. I see her mind wandering when I try to talk with her about something important and she just wants to cook or do something else.... so, when she nods agreement I ask her what I just said. It is the funniest thing to see her suddenly snap into attention and try to recall the sounds that just went in one ear and out the other.

I have one response for anyone who does not care to hear what I say. I just shut up. Try silence for a while and let's see if that is what you want. I see it as the law of supply & demand. If my words hold no value, I must be using too many. If I cut the supply, perhaps the value will increase.

I am reminded of this sage verse:
Mat 13:57 And they were offended in him. But Jesus said unto them, A prophet is not without honour, save in his own country, and in his own house.

[Ponce]

you can't have sex with the cat.


At 70 I cannot longer have sex :boohoo.......so that we had the perfect marriage......if you have a wife maybe you should declaw her........better safe than sorry.

[Spectrism]

you can't have sex with the cat.


At 70 I cannot longer have sex :boohoo.......so that we had the perfect marriage......if you have a wife maybe you should declaw her........better safe than sorry.


Now there is an idea. Maybe I can start a business: WIFE DE-CLAWING SERVICES, LLC.

The only problem is- I don't know how to. Don't those claws grow back in less than 10 seconds?

[Horn]

Apparently insanity isn't a shortcoming. :D
j/k

[midnight rambler]

Lemme guess, she's late 40s/early 50s.

[freespirit]

you can't have sex with the cat.


At 70 I cannot longer have sex :boohoo.......so that we had the perfect marriage......if you have a wife maybe you should declaw her........better safe than sorry.


Now there is an idea. Maybe I can start a business: WIFE DE-CLAWING SERVICES, LLC.

The only problem is- I don't know how to. Don't those claws grow back in less than 10 seconds?



the hard part is gonna be getting them to hold still for it! better have some body armor for that one!! lol

[Spectrism]

Lemme guess, she's late 40s/early 50s.


OK.... how did you know?

[BillBoard]

Sometimes we refuse to accept we made a mistake, and as men we tend to suffer in silence for the sake of keeping the peace. At 40, one day I understood that I made the wrong choice, we had been to therapy, counseling, whatever...Her and I couldn't communicate. Although I loved her dearly, I finally called it quits. Took about 2 years off, and then met a woman that I could communicate with, it has been 12 excellent years.

[midnight rambler]

Lemme guess, she's late 40s/early 50s.


OK.... how did you know?


A woman friend of mine I've known for going on 16 years recently just hit 50. We've always gotten along really well, however over the past year she sent me a few of the most godawful nastygrams via email - I wince when I read them. I don't think she realizes what she's doing since it's so out of character for her. I just write it off to "the change". Her husband must be a saint.

[Light]

you can't have sex with the cat.



I wonder how you know that.

[Gaillo]

I could write VOLUMES about miscommunication with women! I swear, sometimes it's as if they expect you to READ THEIR MINDS or something. I've found that the phrase "hold on a second, sweetie... are you telling me (whatever)" when things seem to be "slipping" like you describe works WONDERS toward avoiding fights. They might look at you like you're stupid and "don't get it", but ignore the look and they LIKE to talk and clear things up when comm has gone 0 x 0.

Reminds me of the old joke about the perfect wife being a gorgeous, rich deaf-mute who owns a bar on the golf course! ;D

[lapis]

Interesting thread!

Probably 99% of the stuff we women find interesting doesn't interest men. But that's okay! We ought to save the chatter for our girlfriends or sisters, who know how to listen quietly, sympathetically and when to interject.

I personally am an admirer of Dr. Laura's relationship advice. I think most women could do to listen to her radio show, although Dr. Laura is going off the air at the end of the month (probably due to the controversy over her using the dreaded n-word on air, although she denies she was forced out because of that *yeah right*).

[Dogman]

I could write VOLUMES about miscommunication with women! I swear, sometimes it's as if they expect you to READ THEIR MINDS or something. I've found that the phrase "hold on a second, sweetie... are you telling me (whatever)" when things seem to be "slipping" like you describe works WONDERS toward avoiding fights. They might look at you like you're stupid and "don't get it", but ignore the look and they LIKE to talk and clear things up when comm has gone 0 x 0.

Reminds me of the old joke about the perfect wife being a gorgeous, rich deaf-mute who owns a bar on the golf course! ;D


Nailed it, They (mostly) do expect us to read their minds! You did not know!! it should have been obvious! (slinking away clueless) ;D

[Gaillo]

Interesting thread!

Probably 99% of the stuff we women find interesting doesn't interest men. But that's okay! We ought to save the chatter for our girlfriends or sisters, who know how to listen quietly, sympathetically and when to interject.

I personally am an admirer of Dr. Laura's relationship advice. I think most women could do to listen to her radio show, although Dr. Laura is going off the air at the end of the month (probably due to the controversy over her using the dreaded n-word on air, although she denies she was forced out because of that *yeah right*).



Lapis,
I think it boils down to this: for the most part, women like to talk for communication's sake - they like to share ideas and feelings. Men tend to talk in order to fix a problem, to get something DONE so they won't have to talk any more. Most guys are happy to sit quietly, after the job is done and nothing further is demanding their attention. At least that's been my experience of it!

[Ponce]

Gaillo? and who has many good lookig girlfriends....

Light?.........that not a joke......this girl found her boyfriend "messing" around with cat.

[bellevuebully]

Nailed it, They (mostly) do expect us to read their minds! You did not know!! it should have been obvious! (slinking away clueless) ;D


Maybe the girl you just met. But the idea of a marriage is to get to know each other, and to develop a relationship where you learn to grow and live together and to communicate effectively with one another. If a spouse expects you to read her mind, that is something that needs to be brought to her attention....that you are uncapable of it. It is possible to say ....'honey, I need you to be more specific when you are telling me something'.....after a while, if you handle it gently and to the point, eventually she will change her mode of communicating. Or do you expect her to read your mind? It's not rocket science......as Freespirit said, do you really expect someone to totally respond the way you think they should? It's common sense, but mostly we always think we're the ones who are right, and the other is in the wrong. And it goes both ways. I can't know if leaving beer cans on the counter ticks her off unless she says....'honey, these cans are in my way when I am trying to cook, can you try to not put them there". Likewise, her throwing the empty beer cans at me doesn't tell me anything either.

[hoarder]

I escaped 1 1/2 years ago. Although there are exceptions to the rule, most women can't reason or won't reason or both. As stated earlier, when they hit late 40's early 50's it gets worse. It's not their fault.

Now I'm a hermit and love it.


Why dogs are better than women...
Author unknown
///<~>\\\<~>///<~>\\\<~>///<~>\\\<~>///<~>\\\<~>///

Dogs don't cry

Dogs love it when your friends come over

Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo

Dogs think you sing great

A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink

Dogs don't expect you to call when you're running late. The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you

Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs

Dogs don't notice if you call them another dog's name

Dogs are excited by rough play

Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away

Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair

Anyone can get a good looking dog

If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it

Dogs don't shop

Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor

Dogs never need to examine the relationship

A dog's parents never visit

Dogs love long car trips

Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions

When a dog gets old and snaps at you incessantly, you can shoot it

Dogs like beer

Dogs don't hate their bodies

Dogs never criticize

Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across

Dogs never expect gifts

Dogs don't worry about germs

Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you've had

Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives

You never have to wait for a dog, they're ready to go 24 hours a day

Dogs have no use for flowers, cards or jewelry

Dogs don't borrow your shirts

Dogs never want foot rubs

Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public

Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk

Dogs can't talk

Dogs seldom outlive you

[Ponce]

Sure Hoarder but cats clean themselves and in case of an emergency they find their own food........specially living out in the country like I do.

[hoarder]

Sure Hoarder but cats clean themselves and in case of an emergency they find their own food........specially living out in the country like I do.
Clean?? I thought you were a hermit. ;D
Real men don't own cats.....or 3 pound dogs for that matter. Get a dog and a real one and not some foo-foo city dog. You won't regret it.
That's all I have to say on the matter. ;)

[1970 silver art]

Advice to single guys: DON'T DO IT!



I agree 100% with that. Just say NO to marriage.

[1970 silver art]

My easy steps to living a simple and very low stress life:

1. No wife.

2. No children.

3. No gf.

4. No pets.

I am happy living this way and I will NEVER get married.

Spectrism, thank you for posting this thread because this is a reminder to me and to all of the single men out there to NEVER get married.

[chad]

you can't have sex with the cat.



I wonder how you know that.


Your mom told me.

[k-os]

I agree with lapis, the ladies need to save their incessant chatter for their girlfriends and sisters. Men do not want to hear all of that crap! Most men are geared toward problem solving. Most women are geared toward venting. Major clash there.

A wife bitches about her sister to her husband, and the husband offers solutions. The wife does not want solutions, she wants . . . not sure here . . . pity, compassion, empathy, sympathy? But she most certainly does not want a solution. And men, well, they really want to give a solution.

I have caught myself venting to men before, and I tell them "I don't need you to solve this, I am just bitching." And that really helps.

If I were a man, I would make it clear that I don't care for gossip. Then, when the gossip starts, I would ask my wife "Is this something you want help with?" If she is in tune with herself, she might even be able to tell you what she needs out of the conversation.

By the way, I have known men who would not stop talking about the stupidest stuff . . . so it's not always that women are the talkers.

[hoarder]

Most men are geared toward problem solving. Most women are geared toward venting. Much truth there. Although men are problem solvers, 2/3 of us are too stupid to actually diagnose problems correctly.....but solve we will. If a guy can't figure out the difference between a symptom and a problem, how will he ever solve it?
The sad thing about misdiagnosed problems/solutions is that they cause more problems than those they were trying to solve in the first place. Washington DC is a perfect example of this problem solving mentality.

[sirgonzo420]

lol



Hooray for being married!


:D

[Book]

The wife does not want solutions, she wants . . . not sure here . . . pity, compassion, empathy, sympathy? But she most certainly does not want a solution. And men, well, they really want to give a solution.



http://www.inquisitr.com/wp-content/dr-phil.jpg

Women don't even know how they feel until they hear themselves talk about it out loud. Other women instinctively let them just talk it out while quietly nodding their head in empathy and occasionally asking "how did that make you feel?". Women don't see any "problem" that needs fixing.

No woman watches Dr. Phil to hear him identify the "problem" and come up with a "solution". They tune in to witness some de-nutted husband get humiliated on national teevee.

:D

[LuckyStrike]

Treat em rough, get the muff. ;)


Women can be hormonal and crazy as hell, out of all the girls I've ever met I only know one that I could live with and I do, thankfully.

I don't know what to tell you man other than hold your ground, don't hold a grudge but don't be a pushover. You put in 100% and if it doesn't work out at least you can honestly tell yourself that you did everything you could do.

Good luck.

[Spectrism]

I set the ground rules long ago that I will not be run up and down the emotional mind-changing rollercoasters. Also, I made it clear that I like to argue ideas in order to arrive at the best solutions and if you are not willing to support your position then your position will be disregarded if there is something else that can be supported.

Cycles. Things go in cycles and you have to be ready to weather them out.

[Neuro]

Well the main problem is that you can not reason with most women most of the time. Be quiet very quiet, just go around nodding with a smile on your face...

I think I will try this advice myself... ;D

[muffin]

I think everyone's situation is different. No advice is good for everyone. You have to do what you think is right for you.

And for the record, I've sat and listened to my husband's ranting, tried to give advice or a solution, and was told that he didn't want a solution; just someone to listen to him. So it's not always the woman that needs to vent. And sometimes, I think he actually likes to hear the sordid drama/gossip ;)






Please don't be mad at me, sweetie :-*

[RJB]

Women think with their mouths and say everything as soon as it appears in their brains. This drives us men crazy because we only want to hear relevant, thought out ways, of dealing with issues. However for the woman, this is how they work things out. They put all their cards on the table as their dealt.

Men are the opposite. We do not like to talk while we are mentally digesting something for fear of appearing foolish and for fear of hearing our wives go on a hissy fit if we say something wrong or in the wrong tone when we are not aware of it. To the woman it apears we don't want to talk to them.

My wife and I love each other. I wouldn't leave her for greener pastures because I'm aware that craziness is an integral part of all women's psyche not limitted to my wife and she's aware that all men can be as brooding as me :)