OT: Fairy Tale

[Cebu_4_2]

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, Will you marry
me?

The Princess said, No!!! And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode
motorcycles and banged skinny long-legged big-titted broads and hunted and
fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age
and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and
never paid child support or alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his
house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous
farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends
and family thought he was frikin cool as hell and he had tons of money in
the bank and left the toilet seat up.

The end.

[Cebu_4_2]

WOMEN

A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad
day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do;

to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions,

and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most
handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident,
sexy, seductive and invincible...

No wait...

Sorry.

I'm thinking of beer. It's beer that does all that shit.

Never mind.

[Cebu_4_2]

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stopped.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity so he asked...
"Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So she does... And it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

[Gaillo]

Q: Why are divorces so expensive?
A: Because it's WORTH it! ;D

Q: Why, with old couples, does the man usually die first?
A: Because he WANTS to!

P.S. Here's a REAL fairy tale for y'all - one that stretches credibility and believability to the breaking point and beyond:

Once upon a time, there was a government that cared about its people, stayed firmly within the legal boundaries defined by its constitution, was manned by honest, responsible citizens who listened to and respected their fellow countrymen, and behaved in a non-coercive and fiscally responsible manner. The end.

[Cebu_4_2]

Today not so much:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mVh75ylAUXY&feature=player_embedded


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mVh75ylAUXY&feature=player_embedded

[crazychicken]

Funny-I remember that cartoon as a little kid.
Thanks
CC

[Cebu_4_2]

My dog sucks...

http://www.bing.com/videos/watch/video/this-is-einstein/b1af800ef6d68d9ecbafb1af800ef6d68d9ecbaf-545865205037?q=petstar+einstein+bird+video&FORM=VIRE1

[Cebu_4_2]

Disappearing car


http://www.wimp.com/disappearingprank/

[freespirit]

Today not so much:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mVh75ylAUXY&feature=player_embedded


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mVh75ylAUXY&feature=player_embedded

so THAT'S what John Q Public looks like!!! (3:32 in)

...i always thought he'd be taller...lol

[Cebu_4_2]

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was
asked where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse
and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and
staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this
time of night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife."

[Gaillo]

A police officer pulls over an elderly couple after the male driver speeds through a stoplight.
The man says to the swine "I was only doing 30". His wife chimes in and says "Harold... you KNOW you were doing 50!"
The old man says "Damnit! Shut up, woman". "By the way officer, the only reason I blazed through the stop sign is that I was searching on the floor of the car for my glasses, and didn't see the sign". His wife chimes in again and says "Harold... you KNOW that's not true... you've had your glasses on all night and never dropped them!". The old man turns to her and shouts "Shut the fuck up, bitch... this is between me and the pig!"
The swine officer finally fits a word in edgewise, and says "My oh my, madam... does your husband always speak to you in such a vulger manner?"
"Only when he's been drinking".

[Cebu_4_2]

This is our government, sort of:

http://www.flixxy.com/worlds-fastest-magician.htm

[Serpo]

http://www.iluvislam.com/english/images/stories/1wann/baby%20laugh.jpg

[Cebu_4_2]

The old tablecloth trick


http://biertijd.com/mediaplayer/?itemid=30018

[Cebu_4_2]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pd5BMP_41bI&feature=player_embedded

[Cebu_4_2]

Carlsberg...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=g6OaSzoSpHE

[Cebu_4_2]

[
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QCz8he36hsk&feature=player_embedded

[Cebu_4_2]

Meow...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U3nIScO592Y

[Cebu_4_2]

ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE : BY JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in
Libya and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed"
to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again
to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A
Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran
out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A
Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody
Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to
"Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is
the reason they have been used on the front line of the British
army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its
terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels
in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was
precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag
factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and
Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels
remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful
Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also
have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the
new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No
worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels
remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this
weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has
ever warranted use of the final escalation level.


-- John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person --

A final thought -“Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting
aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC”.

[Glass]

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No
worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels
remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this
weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has
ever warranted use of the final escalation level.


-- John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person --


I can assure you that there is no reason, short of the second coming, for cancelling a barbie. It just doesn't happen. Of course if it was the second coming, we'd just throw another shrimp on. Bloody poms. Haven't got a clue.

edit: Actually I re-read the last line and he does have a clue. There has never been a final escalation.

[Cebu_4_2]

THE PERFECT HUSBAND

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone
on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker
function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new
models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000." ;

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie
and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market.
They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll
probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what
you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at
him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

[Cebu_4_2]

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?"
The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.

"One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream. So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes".

So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She said, "You now have 3 wishes."

I looked down at my scrawny 115-pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger." She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! There I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, lay down, and beckoned to me. We then made love for hours! Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"

I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"