More Sage Advice

[Dogman]

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It's not whether you win or lose,
but how you place the blame.



You are not drunk
if you can lie on the floor
without holding on.











We have enough "youth".

How about a fountain of "smart"?











The original point and click interface
was a Smith & Wesson.




A Fool and his money
can throw one heck of a party




When blondes have more fun,do they know it?


Five days a week my body is a temple.
The other two it's an amusement park.









LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKESUSE BIRTH CONTROL











Money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.




Don't Drink and Drive
You might hit a bump and spill something.




If at first you don't succeed
skydiving is not for you




Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.




We are born naked, wet and hungry.
Then things get worse.




Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.




Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers
give the rest a bad name.




Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge
to produce reproductive organs.




Alabama state motto:
At least we're not Mississippi




ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO
MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.




The latest survey shows that
three out of four people make
up 75% of the population




"You know why a banana is like a politician?"



"He comes in and first he is green, then he turns yellow



and then he's rotten."




"I think Congressmen should wear uniforms,



you know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could



identify their corporate sponsors."


The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would 'hate' to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.

[Serpo]

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the winners:

1.Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.




2.Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3.Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4.Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5.Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6.Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid

7.Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8.Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9.Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10.Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
(This one got extra credit.)

11.Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12.Decafalon (n): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13.Glibido: All talk and no action.

14.Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15.Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16.Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and
cannot be cast out.
17.Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.



The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1.Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2.Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering
how much weight one has gained.

3.Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4.Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5.Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6.Negligent, adj. Absent mindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7.Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8.Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9.Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10.Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11.Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12.Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13.Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14.Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15.Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16.Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.



A state trooper stopped a 95 year old woman on interstate 20, and noticed as he was checking her drivers license, that she had a concealed carry permit. He said, "got any guns with you ma'am?" She said, "yes, a 45 Smith & Wesson in the glove compartment, a 357 magnum in the console and a 38 special in my purse." The trooper said "lady, what are you scared of?" She said, "NOT A DAMN THING!!!

[Santa]

Ahaha... I just made one up.

Defecrate: To step in dog shit at an outdoor funeral service.:)