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6th November 2012, 02:29 PM
Canada Beefing Up Border Patrol In Event Romney Wins Presidential Election
CANADA (The Ottawa Press Global Edition) - Governor Romney's victories in the debates with President Obama has had a surprising impact on American liberals.
Canadian border police have given out a series of warnings about "a flood of American liberals seen sneaking across the border into Canada"
This has sparked calls for increased vigilance to stop the illegal immigration.
Media outlets in the U.S. report that the possibility of a Romney Presidency has prompted an exodus of left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to "hold down a job, hunt, pray, and agree with Bill O'Reilly."
Canadian border farmers noted that dozens of sociology professors, animal rights activists and Unitarians have been crossing their fields each night.
"I went out to milk the cows yesterday, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Nesterenko, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. "He asked me if I could spare a latte, some free-range chicken and a little arugula on the side. When I gave him some fresh warm goat milk he tossed his cookies and left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Nesterenko had already erected higher fences; these failed to stop the resourceful liberals, however, who dug under them.
Mr. Nesterenko also tried installing speakers that blast Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through but many were crying as they ran across my corn fields."
Officials said they are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves. "A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a drop of bottled water and all wearing sandals. They did have a nice little 'Napa Valley cabernet', though," he added.
It has been reported that the few liberals who got caught were sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating that a Republican Majority will establish re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to shoot feral hogs from airplanes, embrace creationism, and listen to Sarah Palin audio books.
U.S. border officials agree with their Canadian counterparts that many liberals have come up with ingenious ways of crossing the border. The Ottawa Press Global Edition has sources inside the Canadian Border Patrol and the RCMP that have verified the existence of a scheme that some illegals have adopted, where they pose as senior citizens on bus trips to purportedly buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs.
Once in Canada, they attempt to scatter to the bigger cities and seek some form of low stress, high paying work that doesn't require interaction with the public or any form of performance assessment. According to well-informed sources, however, "liberals need so much job training to hold real jobs that it is cheaper to just put them in a motel and provide room service."
After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs and using walkers, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and interrogating the supposed senior-citizen passengers. Typically, they were individually quizzed about Red Skelton comedy characters and Rosemary Clooney's greatest hits; these questions are used to prove whether or not the individual under questioning was in fact alive in the 1950's. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious" an official said.
Canadian citizens have reportedly complained that these illegal immigrants are "creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies."
"I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many lawyers, art-history and English majors does one country need?" she added.
CANADA (The Ottawa Press Global Edition) - Governor Romney's victories in the debates with President Obama has had a surprising impact on American liberals.
Canadian border police have given out a series of warnings about "a flood of American liberals seen sneaking across the border into Canada"
This has sparked calls for increased vigilance to stop the illegal immigration.
Media outlets in the U.S. report that the possibility of a Romney Presidency has prompted an exodus of left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to "hold down a job, hunt, pray, and agree with Bill O'Reilly."
Canadian border farmers noted that dozens of sociology professors, animal rights activists and Unitarians have been crossing their fields each night.
"I went out to milk the cows yesterday, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Nesterenko, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. "He asked me if I could spare a latte, some free-range chicken and a little arugula on the side. When I gave him some fresh warm goat milk he tossed his cookies and left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Nesterenko had already erected higher fences; these failed to stop the resourceful liberals, however, who dug under them.
Mr. Nesterenko also tried installing speakers that blast Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through but many were crying as they ran across my corn fields."
Officials said they are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves. "A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a drop of bottled water and all wearing sandals. They did have a nice little 'Napa Valley cabernet', though," he added.
It has been reported that the few liberals who got caught were sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating that a Republican Majority will establish re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to shoot feral hogs from airplanes, embrace creationism, and listen to Sarah Palin audio books.
U.S. border officials agree with their Canadian counterparts that many liberals have come up with ingenious ways of crossing the border. The Ottawa Press Global Edition has sources inside the Canadian Border Patrol and the RCMP that have verified the existence of a scheme that some illegals have adopted, where they pose as senior citizens on bus trips to purportedly buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs.
Once in Canada, they attempt to scatter to the bigger cities and seek some form of low stress, high paying work that doesn't require interaction with the public or any form of performance assessment. According to well-informed sources, however, "liberals need so much job training to hold real jobs that it is cheaper to just put them in a motel and provide room service."
After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs and using walkers, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and interrogating the supposed senior-citizen passengers. Typically, they were individually quizzed about Red Skelton comedy characters and Rosemary Clooney's greatest hits; these questions are used to prove whether or not the individual under questioning was in fact alive in the 1950's. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious" an official said.
Canadian citizens have reportedly complained that these illegal immigrants are "creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies."
"I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many lawyers, art-history and English majors does one country need?" she added.