Relationship therapy

[collector]

I have a close friend that needs advice on his life and personal relationships.
He's in his late 40s and his relationship, that he should have been happy in, has ended. He was with a girl (29) who had younger children ages 4 and 6 and she was the sweetest, kindest, most spiritual person that he knew. He says he was happy with her but he had a tough time with finding a vision for the future as to where they should be and what would make them happy. The kids were an issue - very young, 2 boys needing a lot of care, and when you're faced with the problem of raising kids in the traditional way (school, sports, all the standard expectations) vs the issue of prepping for total collapse - it's hard to find a happy medium.

Back to his girlfriend; she was a wonderful girl, great heart, pretty, understanding about what's coming but her main concern was achieving that dream of raising kids in the local area near her family, hoping everything goes well. My friend feels the pain of losing her after 2 1/2 years and he's trying to figure out where he goes from here. I told him that being in his late 40s, he should look for a partner who is close to his age, who is aware of what's going on in the world and has the ability to live life on whatever terms they choose. In my opinion the kids were the biggest issue and they would have tied him down to a life that would have been impossible to merge with the idea of prepping and 'normal life".

Now that he has the freedom to do whatever he wants - what's the next step?
I guess the reason that I posted this here in General Discussions is because I'd imagine a lot of people on this forum find themselves in similar situations. Either the spouse or partner isn't on board with what's going on in the country, kids are involved, or there's just a feeling of where does one go for both safety AND a sense of normalcy? While it's easy to say - go build a bunker in the woods and hide, that's not really practical or even desirable. Once the excitement of the work is finished, living in a hole in the ground is about as close to your final resting place as you're going to get.
Prepper communities are popping up all over the country so that's a viable compromise, plus you get to live around like minded people so there's a sense commonality.

What advice do i give my friend ?
He has a good deal of savings but he'll have to go back to work at some point or find a way to make money. How does he meet someone that sees the reality and has the ability to make lifestyle changes as life changes?

Any response will be appreciated

[chad]

take year off, even if a supermodel comes his way. it will clear his head. then, date only people in his age group. there is a huge difference between 40 and 29. there's probably not a huge difference between 70 and 59, but between 40 and 29, there is. after that, date only people that live within his general sphere of thinking. that is a short list, but that's what i'd do.

[collector]

48 and 29 - point noted - big generation gap and 2 people at different places in their lifespan timeline

Interesting about the idea of dating only within his sphere of thinking. With the right person, you can bring someone up to speed at a fairly rapid rate, all it takes is an open mind and a desire to learn. I've done that a couple of times but it is hard, you really need to find someone with an open mind. Personally though, I have a few friends that are on board and when we met - instant friendship bond and even though we no longer work together or live near ech other, we still have a lot in common and keep in touch

[chad]

my cousin is doing this same gig. he married a 24 year old. he is 33. the pages are so different that they're from different books. they don't see eye to eye on anything other than sex and maybe what movie to see. it will end badly.

[SWRichmond]

Rent

[Dogman]

Tough call, if he would have stayed with her, it would have changed his life and it would have been kid centered. The age difference is one thing, but in some cases that could work out, but the woman would have to put the man and his wishes above the kids, unless she would want to buy in to the viewpoints and lifestyle that prepping demands. The kids at that age probably would think and be cool about prepping and the training needed to make it possibly work.

Much better to have someone in your life that shares the same or close to the same beliefs and viewpoints.

Age is a relative thing depending on the individual.

[freespirit]

some good points, but i have to disagree with Chad's opinion regarding the age gap. I'm 42, my wife is 29 and we are so "on the same page" that it is scary sometimes, lol. she totally understands the need to prep, and considers the lack of moral fiber that is rampantly promoted in this society these days as the "norm" via the MSM to be distasteful at the least.

at the end of the day, it is more about being "US", not "me & you" that makes the difference. sure there's always going to be problems that arise. life sucks, wear a fucking helmet. and kids are a real handful. but to find someone that "gets" you and to really be team players, not puck hogs, is key.

the more you work together instead of against each other, the smoother things go for sure.

the wife asked me once what would i do if (God forbid) we ever split up. I thought about it for a minute and said "i would probably get up the next morning and go to work. I would miss you terribly, but life goes on."

your friend should take some time to really evaluate what EXACTLY he is looking for in a partner, and what exactly he expects from himself. if he's smart, he will focus on making himself the best man he can possibly be, and pray on it.

it was a direct result of prayer that brought me and my wife together. once i let go of the reigns, he steered us to each other.

sorry for the ramblings...

good luck to your friend. God bless him.

[Cebu_4_2]

My wife is 'considerably' younger and there are no issues. She however didn't come in as an instant family though which would make things a bit different. But then again she come from the other side of the planet where most girls have culture and respect which for me was impossible to find in the USI.

[collector]

Very true Cerbu

[zap]

Quote ; How does he meet someone that sees the reality and has the ability to make lifestyle changes as life changes?

When you get it figured out let me know!

[collector]

Here's a little more on the story, hope this helps anyone in a similar situation. It's hard when people get together and kids from other relationships/marriages are involved. There's discipline issues, expectations and ex partners to deal with. My friend told me he never did a lot with the kids, that they were okay but he didn't really invest a lot of time in them. When he the two of them split up, the kids were very affected. The 6 year old wrote a letter saying "I love you so much, I miss you, please don't go, I love you" The 4 year old cried because he didn't want to lose this guy that was in his life for so long. Pretty amazing for kids to feel so much towards a person who was half way invested in the relationship. I told him he did the right thing by letting this go but I may be wrong, not sure how many great girls there are out there and maybe the kid situation isn't impossible to deal with - I don't know.

The lesson is that apparently - kids have unconditional love and the love of a child should never be discounted.

[BabushkaLady]

I have a close friend that needs advice on his life and personal relationships.

For your friend:

First off, everyone is different. Age isn't always a factor; it's maturity.

Relationships come and go in life; births, divorce, death. Know that each has a purpose in your life.

Strive to be content alone and comfortable with yourself is a good starting point. Take time to explore past dreams, regrets and mistakes.

Prepping is a mindet; it can't be the only thing in life.

Live like today is the last day; tomorrow may never come.

P.S. If the life expectancy is 83 for men, your friend is just over half way there! Keep pedaling.

[collector]

Quote ; How does he meet someone that sees the reality and has the ability to make lifestyle changes as life changes?

When you get it figured out let me know!




I think the important thing is to find a 'free thinker" or person with an open mind and just teach them everything you know. We'd all like to find a girl that can teach us things but for the most part, it's going to be up to us to educate...which is a lot of what this forum helps provide.
As for making the changes necessary - that's just someone with determination and motivation.
I met a woman years ago at a Ron Paul sign waving, she owned a business and a house on the water. After researching all that was going on with the NWO and the economy, she sold both her house and business and bought 10 acres in Tennessee. She married her boyfriend and together they have an organic farm in a small town. Anything can be done, if the people involved are brave enough to make it happen

... I think

[collector]

For your friend:

First off, everyone is different. Age isn't always a factor; it's maturity.

Relationships come and go in life; births, divorce, death. Know that each has a purpose in your life.

Strive to be content alone and comfortable with yourself is a good starting point. Take time to explore past dreams, regrets and mistakes.

Prepping is a mindet; it can't be the only thing in life.

Live like today is the last day; tomorrow may never come.

P.S. If the life expectancy is 83 for men, your friend is just over half way there! Keep pedaling.

Here's a quote that I heard Kenny Rogers once say on a talk show;

Live for today
Prepare for tomorrow
Doing either to the extreme
Will prevent you from finding true happiness

Very profound and it seems to apply

[Tumbleweed]

Quote ; How does he meet someone that sees the reality and has the ability to make lifestyle changes as life changes?

When you get it figured out let me know!




Zap maybe you and collectors friend could exchange phone numbers and get acquainted. Sounds to me like you may have some things in common and if I remember right you're near the same age;D

[EE_]

Zap maybe you and collectors friend could exchange phone numbers and get acquainted. Sounds to me like you may have some things in common and if I remember right you're near the same age;D

Or collector's "friend" (wink wink), could start with a PM to zap on this board?

[lapis]

I think he could find someone younger and do well again. The nice thing about most younger women is that generally there's no baggage and they can be persuaded to take your side if you are articulate about it. However, a warm-hearted one will probably want to have kids someday.

He should hold out for the right woman and not give up. There were a lot of young college students at the Ron Paul rally I went to last year, so there's hope for the fair sex yet. ;-)

Dh and I are closer in age and are on the same page when it comes to preps, world view, etc. It's nice to have a partner like that! I am blessed.

[TheNocturnalEgyptian]

I'm going through this too. It feels like my 5 year relationship is on the verge of ending. We just don't see eye-to-eye on very much anymore but I'm very hesitant to simply end it. I'm confused, I want different things, and I feel guilty for wanting different things.

It sucks. I've typed a lot about it anonymously on relationship message boards and gotten nowhere beyond "It all comes down to what I want." which I already knew. So unsure of what to do next.

[collector]

What are the issues that are pulling you two down different paths?

[TheNocturnalEgyptian]

I'll edit this post with a short description tomorrow. Thanks for caring, friend.

[vacuum]

(Disclaimer: I have no credentials, I'm just writing random stuff...)

I see two possibilities with not seeing eye-to-eye.

1) It's a personality conflict, meaning there are clashing personalities/ideas/notions/values/egos/morals/beliefs/priorities, etc. These are artificial barriers which, in theory, are possible and desirable to overcome in some circumstances, if
(a) Both people are up to the challenge,
(b) There is an underlying soul-level match causing the relationship to be desirable, and
(c) If there is truly a soul-level match, the resulting initial karma generated can be overcome

2) There is a soul-level mismatch, where all the personality-level things mostly match up, but it doesn't truly go deeper. In this case, from a social and intellectual perspective things match up great, but in reality it's more of a case of mutual benefit situation (even if just psychologically) than a true relationship.

As you can see, a 2x2 matrix can be formed. Some cells in the matrix mean it's good temporarily but not in the long term. Other cells mean it's difficult temporarily but could be good in the long term (but not gaurenteed. It could get worse if (a) and (c) don't work out).

Anyways, theories......

[BabushkaLady]

Here's a quote that I heard Kenny Rogers once say on a talk show;

Live for today
Prepare for tomorrow
Doing either to the extreme
Will prevent you from finding true happiness

Very profound and it seems to apply

Kenny Rogers also sang "There's someone for everyone . . ." in one of his songs.

I was thinking this morning about my last match-making adventure:

Male friend is looking for a lady to share his life with; he's "older" and wants someone to live the prepper lifestyle with him. I tell him about my female "older" friend that has chickens, grows a huge garden, is Awake, prepped and willing to relocate. He's liking everything he hears about her! I tell female friend all about my male friend. She is interested in him as well. So I send her picture to Him. He then says "he's not attracted to her." I know she is somewhat attractive because younger guys always hit on her. She is funny, smart and has a good heart. I tell male friend to "eat your dinner alone then!."

So I get a list of what the female friend is looking for in a man. I find a pretty good match on the internet for her. First thing she says from the guy's profile is "he does x" and I don't like "x".

WTH?

My response to all these friends looking for a mate? You aren't going to find "perfect", so make a list of your top 10 wants and your top 10 deal breakers. Shoot for five on each list----or plan on eating and sleeping Alone.

I know this sounds crazy; but I also recommend people actually talking on the phone to get to know each other before they exchange pictures. If it's all about looks, just go to the grocery store and find a mate. --doesn't work either!! :)

[midnight rambler]

Do a search for prepper dating sites.


Prepper communities are popping up all over the country so that's a viable compromise, plus you get to live around like minded people so there's a sense commonality.

I'd be EXTREMELY cautious of intentional communities. This cannot be emphasized enough.

I like Marjory Wildcraft's approach -


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K8P9s5-6Pdw&feature=youtu.be&inf_contact_key=240bccd37c26 ff96cd1712c324da61696401c094709febebb7d4155e38814a 12

[TheNocturnalEgyptian]

I'll edit this post with a short description tomorrow. Thanks for caring, friend.

I don't see the edit button anymore, so...


First of all, I'd like to state that we're both trying. She's not a bad person, and I don't think I am either. We just want different things in life. She wants a carefree bourgeoise life - she would have done well as a baby-boomer (in the good economic times) but she isn't able to process a lot of things about our modern, corrupt world that is teetering on the brink. She doesn't deal well with high stress situations, nor dangerous ones or challenging ones. She can "steel" herself to complete a specific challenge if she has time to mentally prepare, but if things happen too quickly, change too quickly, she breaks down. I've tried so hard to help her but I've ended up not being able to so many times. In a lot of disaster situations she shuts down mentally and I end up taking care of everything. The problem is, she fights me on this, which makes me feel bad. She takes the stress out of the situation out of me, when I'm the only one DOING anything. It feels awful.

She has this emotional concept of NEEDING to be the leader even when she is stressed, doesn't know what to do, or isn't ready for it. She fights me when I take control. Simply because she doesn't want to give up control. But what she fails to admit to herself is she is already out of control in these situations. I, on the other hand, can give up control momentarily no problem if I need to follow someone else, and at any moment, I can take control back and step up and lead again. I'm more concerned with who the best individual for the job is than who "gets" to do it.

A simple example would be hanging a painting in our home. She must have spent 30 minutes out there with all the wrong tools, trying to use crappy bent nails that won't hold, putting them in the wrong places in the wall. Friends advised me to just let her do this kind of stuff on her own unless she asks me for my help, so I did. (because in the past she feels I am monopolizing her projects if I step in too early) Eventually after 30 minutes of not getting the picture hung (she had an emotional concept of ONLY using this "monkey hook" device that she had purchased - she wasn't willing to accept alternative ideas) she asked me for help. I said "I'll gladly help you my dear" and I hung that fucker in under 60 seconds. I didn't use any of the tools she had out, either. This kind of stuff irks her, but I can't help who I am. I'm a man who identifies problems, comes up with solutions, and executes them....if I'm able. To me, it's not a contest between the two of us! We are on the SAME TEAM but sometimes she treats me like an adversary when I can do certain things better than she can.

A lot of what I can do comes down to my patience as well. For example I'm a better cook than she is simply because I baby-sit the pan. I don't walk away and chat on GSUS or reddit while my food is burning - she will do this. I tell her that the secret is low 'n slow heat, lots of patience - but every time I still find her using super high heat, and then she's on the computer in the other room while her food burns. 5 years in and I'm still being served burned food. We BOTH cook about equally for the house, but my food kicks ass (everyone says so, and thanks me when I cook) while her food is mostly flour, sugar, and often-times not cooked properly. I really, really hate criticizing her (she's a really sweet person who gets really depressed every time she burns something) but I hate seeing her depressed all the time. WHY can't she learn her lessons? I'm never mean or rude, and it's not about the food at all guys. It's about ME BEING SAD when she gets sad that she fucked something up! She keeps fucking things up, and then she gets depressed, and I'm sad because my love is sad. I shouldn't have to deal with this forever. I want competence! I love her, but I want competence! This shit wears on me!

Two valentine's days ago, we went to a park and got some massage/bodywork (there was a class being held there, we were the "dummy" bodies for the students to learn on) and then we went hiking on the ridge around the park. Less than 2 miles into the hike, she was destroyed, tired, and wanted to turn back. She had drank all of my water & all of her water (I'm half-egyptian, don't need much water eh?) I explained to her that it was only a 4 mile hike, and we were halfway done. Turning back would be the same distance as continuing forward. But it was the *emotional* concept of turning back that she wanted. I encouraged her to take breaks, and got her more water, but I didn't let us go back. I just felt that the day illustrated the differences in our personalities, and how I can't do a lot of physical things with her (which worries me for super obvious reasons). She was kind of mad at me for not wanting to turn back with her. I explained to her that the way out of our problems are sometimes through them - especially when we are on the top of a mountain in the wilderness. There is ONLY perseverance in some situations.



I've already accepted that I might not be the best boyfriend. I try, but I'm not always compromising. I do nice things for her frequently - 5 years in and she still gets backrubs, footrubs, hot tea made & brought, hot food cooked late at night even after I've worked 10 hours & spent 2 in the gym. I just have this thing in me....where I can't accept bullshit...I can't accept illusions...And she calls this "extreme negativity" and hates my constant criticism of everything...But I don't see it that way...I'm not mean per se, I'm just calling things how I think they are. She's always wondering why I have to rock the boat.

She has changed so much from knowing me (she used to love illusions, now she sees through a lot of them. The other day she said "What if Chris Dorner never existed or had been dead for years, and this whole thing is a PysOp for some other purpose?" That's my girl, haha.) but sometimes I worry that she hasn't changed enough.



If I had to sum up the major problems in our relationship, I'd say that when we disagree, she takes it very personally and gets mad at me for disagreeing with her - like I don't respect her or something. But me, my ego is usually out of the discussion, and I'm just concerned with the actual discussion - I'm more of a debater, and he hates to debate. I'm never mean to her, but she takes disagreeing with her as an assault on her intellect.

This is just one small aspect of our relationship. It's hard to communicate it all.

I love her, but the magic is fading quickly because I feel like her attraction to me is fading. And I only know how to be myself. I've been nice & romantic, yet the attraction is still fading...I dunno guys...

It's so hard for me to know what to do. A lot of friends have advised me to just break up with her and get someone new. But that feels cheap. I don't want to give up...But a lot of times, I'm not happy anymore...

I've sat her down and talked about this like mature adults, and the first couple times she felt like I was attacking her...I calmly explained that I just want her to hear what I'm saying so we can work on it together (and I accepted that I am responsible for our problems as well, and made sure she knew that)

I dunno what to do. Sometimes I want a woman my own age, (current GF is 6 years older than I am), a more adventurous woman, one who is less scared of the world. But I feel so guilty for wanting that.


I feel like an ass for even typing what I did. I hate criticizing her. I have a really hard time talking about what I really feel about people, because I'm constantly afraid of offending them. But what it comes down to is I am an extremely confident introvert - I don't need other people, but I love engaging them. She's an extremely shy, socially-dependent extrovert...


Okay, I feel like I shouldn't have shared ANY of that...But I'm at the end of my rope...if we don't find a solution soon, I don't think we'll still be together this time next year....I'm willing to compromise, but I already feel like I have been compromising...a lot...I need reciprocation!

[midnight rambler]

The problem is, she fights me on this, which makes me feel bad. She takes the stress out of the situation out of me, when I'm the only one DOING anything. It feels awful.

She has this emotional concept of NEEDING to be the leader even when she is stressed, doesn't know what to do, or isn't ready for it. She fights me when I take control. Simply because she doesn't want to give up control. But what she fails to admit to herself is she is already out of control in these situations. I, on the other hand, can give up control momentarily no problem if I need to follow someone else, and at any moment, I can take control back and step up and lead again. I'm more concerned with who the best individual for the job is than who "gets" to do it.

Bail, this woman is going to pull you down with her when she is no longer able to cope (and that moment is coming). If you allow her to pull you down then you have no one to blame but yourself 'cause you saw it coming.

[EE_]

I don't see the edit button anymore, so...


First of all, I'd like to state that we're both trying. She's not a bad person, and I don't think I am either. We just want different things in life. She wants a carefree bourgeoise life - she would have done well as a baby-boomer (in the good economic times) but she isn't able to process a lot of things about our modern, corrupt world that is teetering on the brink. She doesn't deal well with high stress situations, nor dangerous ones or challenging ones. She can "steel" herself to complete a specific challenge if she has time to mentally prepare, but if things happen too quickly, change too quickly, she breaks down. I've tried so hard to help her but I've ended up not being able to so many times. In a lot of disaster situations she shuts down mentally and I end up taking care of everything. The problem is, she fights me on this, which makes me feel bad. She takes the stress out of the situation out of me, when I'm the only one DOING anything. It feels awful.

She has this emotional concept of NEEDING to be the leader even when she is stressed, doesn't know what to do, or isn't ready for it. She fights me when I take control. Simply because she doesn't want to give up control. But what she fails to admit to herself is she is already out of control in these situations. I, on the other hand, can give up control momentarily no problem if I need to follow someone else, and at any moment, I can take control back and step up and lead again. I'm more concerned with who the best individual for the job is than who "gets" to do it.

A simple example would be hanging a painting in our home. She must have spent 30 minutes out there with all the wrong tools, trying to use crappy bent nails that won't hold, putting them in the wrong places in the wall. Friends advised me to just let her do this kind of stuff on her own unless she asks me for my help, so I did. (because in the past she feels I am monopolizing her projects if I step in too early) Eventually after 30 minutes of not getting the picture hung (she had an emotional concept of ONLY using this "monkey hook" device that she had purchased - she wasn't willing to accept alternative ideas) she asked me for help. I said "I'll gladly help you my dear" and I hung that fucker in under 60 seconds. I didn't use any of the tools she had out, either. This kind of stuff irks her, but I can't help who I am. I'm a man who identifies problems, comes up with solutions, and executes them....if I'm able. To me, it's not a contest between the two of us! We are on the SAME TEAM but sometimes she treats me like an adversary when I can do certain things better than she can.

A lot of what I can do comes down to my patience as well. For example I'm a better cook than she is simply because I baby-sit the pan. I don't walk away and chat on GSUS or reddit while my food is burning - she will do this. I tell her that the secret is low 'n slow heat, lots of patience - but every time I still find her using super high heat, and then she's on the computer in the other room while her food burns. 5 years in and I'm still being served burned food. We BOTH cook about equally for the house, but my food kicks ass (everyone says so, and thanks me when I cook) while her food is mostly flour, sugar, and often-times not cooked properly. I really, really hate criticizing her (she's a really sweet person who gets really depressed every time she burns something) but I hate seeing her depressed all the time. WHY can't she learn her lessons? I'm never mean or rude, and it's not about the food at all guys. It's about ME BEING SAD when she gets sad that she fucked something up! She keeps fucking things up, and then she gets depressed, and I'm sad because my love is sad. I shouldn't have to deal with this forever. I want competence! I love her, but I want competence! This shit wears on me!

Two valentine's days ago, we went to a park and got some massage/bodywork (there was a class being held there, we were the "dummy" bodies for the students to learn on) and then we went hiking on the ridge around the park. Less than 2 miles into the hike, she was destroyed, tired, and wanted to turn back. She had drank all of my water & all of her water (I'm half-egyptian, don't need much water eh?) I explained to her that it was only a 4 mile hike, and we were halfway done. Turning back would be the same distance as continuing forward. But it was the *emotional* concept of turning back that she wanted. I encouraged her to take breaks, and got her more water, but I didn't let us go back. I just felt that the day illustrated the differences in our personalities, and how I can't do a lot of physical things with her (which worries me for super obvious reasons). She was kind of mad at me for not wanting to turn back with her. I explained to her that the way out of our problems are sometimes through them - especially when we are on the top of a mountain in the wilderness. There is ONLY perseverance in some situations.



I've already accepted that I might not be the best boyfriend. I try, but I'm not always compromising. I do nice things for her frequently - 5 years in and she still gets backrubs, footrubs, hot tea made & brought, hot food cooked late at night even after I've worked 10 hours & spent 2 in the gym. I just have this thing in me....where I can't accept bullshit...I can't accept illusions...And she calls this "extreme negativity" and hates my constant criticism of everything...But I don't see it that way...I'm not mean per se, I'm just calling things how I think they are. She's always wondering why I have to rock the boat.

She has changed so much from knowing me (she used to love illusions, now she sees through a lot of them. The other day she said "What if Chris Dorner never existed or had been dead for years, and this whole thing is a PysOp for some other purpose?" That's my girl, haha.) but sometimes I worry that she hasn't changed enough.



If I had to sum up the major problems in our relationship, I'd say that when we disagree, she takes it very personally and gets mad at me for disagreeing with her - like I don't respect her or something. But me, my ego is usually out of the discussion, and I'm just concerned with the actual discussion - I'm more of a debater, and he hates to debate. I'm never mean to her, but she takes disagreeing with her as an assault on her intellect.

This is just one small aspect of our relationship. It's hard to communicate it all.

I love her, but the magic is fading quickly because I feel like her attraction to me is fading. And I only know how to be myself. I've been nice & romantic, yet the attraction is still fading...I dunno guys...

It's so hard for me to know what to do. A lot of friends have advised me to just break up with her and get someone new. But that feels cheap. I don't want to give up...But a lot of times, I'm not happy anymore...

I've sat her down and talked about this like mature adults, and the first couple times she felt like I was attacking her...I calmly explained that I just want her to hear what I'm saying so we can work on it together (and I accepted that I am responsible for our problems as well, and made sure she knew that)

I dunno what to do. Sometimes I want a woman my own age, (current GF is 6 years older than I am), a more adventurous woman, one who is less scared of the world. But I feel so guilty for wanting that.


I feel like an ass for even typing what I did. I hate criticizing her. I have a really hard time talking about what I really feel about people, because I'm constantly afraid of offending them. But what it comes down to is I am an extremely confident introvert - I don't need other people, but I love engaging them. She's an extremely shy, socially-dependent extrovert...


Okay, I feel like I shouldn't have shared ANY of that...But I'm at the end of my rope...if we don't find a solution soon, I don't think we'll still be together this time next year....I'm willing to compromise, but I already feel like I have been compromising...a lot...I need reciprocation!

Have her read this thread

[TheNocturnalEgyptian]

This valentines day, I took time off work, rented a white convertible, and we're driving to Tuscon Arizona for the gem & mineral show...Yeah, I'm a geology nerd...

Thanks for your comments guys...I'm working on it hard, and time will tell if I need to bail. I've seriously thought about it before...Sometimes I do worry about my security because she's so trusting of people she doesn't even know...

[vacuum]

Have her read this thread
I don't think that will help.

Men are generally more idealistic and principled, whereas women are more earthy and materialistic. This is normal, men have a feminine brain where ideas can be planted, and then nourished and grow, and a masculine body. Women on the other hand have a masculine brain (potentially cold, calculating, and pragmatic) and feminine body.

Just as men, physically, must not dominate but instead be protective and sensitive to allow female expression, women must do the same thing but with the brain. Instead of psychological domination, they must be sensitive, receptive, and nurturing to allow ideas and visions of the future to come to fruition in the womb of a man's mind. Otherwise, as MR stated, she will just be dragging you down.

The following advice might be bad, but here goes. I think what's needed is to break out of the normalcy and mediocrity of everyday life, and put the relationship through an impulse response. There needs to be a highly stressful, life-or-death situation which will either create/affirm a deep bond of trust, or break the relationship apart.

[Dogman]

Woman's Brain!


http://i622.photobucket.com/albums/tt308/TheRedHeadRiter/The%20Redhead%20Riter/2010%20RR/5cb54766.gif

Woman's Brain During Argument!

https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-uyr77jIYd3o/TX4LdeN68NI/AAAAAAAAArQ/d3ZZZgKnm4E/s1600/women+argue.jpg




Man's Brain!


http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-9W2InIs0ZAA/URGzaV8joqI/AAAAAAAAGbg/fg26KtfUOGw/s640/MALE_BRAIN3.GIF


;D

[collector]

I don't see the edit button anymore, so...


First of all, I'd like to state that we're both trying. She's not a bad person, and I don't think I am either. We just want different things in life. She wants a carefree bourgeoise life - she would have done well as a baby-boomer (in the good economic times) but she isn't able to process a lot of things about our modern, corrupt world that is teetering on the brink. She doesn't deal well with high stress situations, nor dangerous ones or challenging ones. She can "steel" herself to complete a specific challenge if she has time to mentally prepare, but if things happen too quickly, change too quickly, she breaks down. I've tried so hard to help her but I've ended up not being able to so many times. In a lot of disaster situations she shuts down mentally and I end up taking care of everything. The problem is, she fights me on this, which makes me feel bad. She takes the stress out of the situation out of me, when I'm the only one DOING anything. It feels awful.

She has this emotional concept of NEEDING to be the leader even when she is stressed, doesn't know what to do, or isn't ready for it. She fights me when I take control. Simply because she doesn't want to give up control. But what she fails to admit to herself is she is already out of control in these situations. I, on the other hand, can give up control momentarily no problem if I need to follow someone else, and at any moment, I can take control back and step up and lead again. I'm more concerned with who the best individual for the job is than who "gets" to do it.

A simple example would be hanging a painting in our home. She must have spent 30 minutes out there with all the wrong tools, trying to use crappy bent nails that won't hold, putting them in the wrong places in the wall. Friends advised me to just let her do this kind of stuff on her own unless she asks me for my help, so I did. (because in the past she feels I am monopolizing her projects if I step in too early) Eventually after 30 minutes of not getting the picture hung (she had an emotional concept of ONLY using this "monkey hook" device that she had purchased - she wasn't willing to accept alternative ideas) she asked me for help. I said "I'll gladly help you my dear" and I hung that fucker in under 60 seconds. I didn't use any of the tools she had out, either. This kind of stuff irks her, but I can't help who I am. I'm a man who identifies problems, comes up with solutions, and executes them....if I'm able. To me, it's not a contest between the two of us! We are on the SAME TEAM but sometimes she treats me like an adversary when I can do certain things better than she can.

A lot of what I can do comes down to my patience as well. For example I'm a better cook than she is simply because I baby-sit the pan. I don't walk away and chat on GSUS or reddit while my food is burning - she will do this. I tell her that the secret is low 'n slow heat, lots of patience - but every time I still find her using super high heat, and then she's on the computer in the other room while her food burns. 5 years in and I'm still being served burned food. We BOTH cook about equally for the house, but my food kicks ass (everyone says so, and thanks me when I cook) while her food is mostly flour, sugar, and often-times not cooked properly. I really, really hate criticizing her (she's a really sweet person who gets really depressed every time she burns something) but I hate seeing her depressed all the time. WHY can't she learn her lessons? I'm never mean or rude, and it's not about the food at all guys. It's about ME BEING SAD when she gets sad that she fucked something up! She keeps fucking things up, and then she gets depressed, and I'm sad because my love is sad. I shouldn't have to deal with this forever. I want competence! I love her, but I want competence! This shit wears on me!

Two valentine's days ago, we went to a park and got some massage/bodywork (there was a class being held there, we were the "dummy" bodies for the students to learn on) and then we went hiking on the ridge around the park. Less than 2 miles into the hike, she was destroyed, tired, and wanted to turn back. She had drank all of my water & all of her water (I'm half-egyptian, don't need much water eh?) I explained to her that it was only a 4 mile hike, and we were halfway done. Turning back would be the same distance as continuing forward. But it was the *emotional* concept of turning back that she wanted. I encouraged her to take breaks, and got her more water, but I didn't let us go back. I just felt that the day illustrated the differences in our personalities, and how I can't do a lot of physical things with her (which worries me for super obvious reasons). She was kind of mad at me for not wanting to turn back with her. I explained to her that the way out of our problems are sometimes through them - especially when we are on the top of a mountain in the wilderness. There is ONLY perseverance in some situations.



I've already accepted that I might not be the best boyfriend. I try, but I'm not always compromising. I do nice things for her frequently - 5 years in and she still gets backrubs, footrubs, hot tea made & brought, hot food cooked late at night even after I've worked 10 hours & spent 2 in the gym. I just have this thing in me....where I can't accept bullshit...I can't accept illusions...And she calls this "extreme negativity" and hates my constant criticism of everything...But I don't see it that way...I'm not mean per se, I'm just calling things how I think they are. She's always wondering why I have to rock the boat.

She has changed so much from knowing me (she used to love illusions, now she sees through a lot of them. The other day she said "What if Chris Dorner never existed or had been dead for years, and this whole thing is a PysOp for some other purpose?" That's my girl, haha.) but sometimes I worry that she hasn't changed enough.



If I had to sum up the major problems in our relationship, I'd say that when we disagree, she takes it very personally and gets mad at me for disagreeing with her - like I don't respect her or something. But me, my ego is usually out of the discussion, and I'm just concerned with the actual discussion - I'm more of a debater, and he hates to debate. I'm never mean to her, but she takes disagreeing with her as an assault on her intellect.

This is just one small aspect of our relationship. It's hard to communicate it all.

I love her, but the magic is fading quickly because I feel like her attraction to me is fading. And I only know how to be myself. I've been nice & romantic, yet the attraction is still fading...I dunno guys...

It's so hard for me to know what to do. A lot of friends have advised me to just break up with her and get someone new. But that feels cheap. I don't want to give up...But a lot of times, I'm not happy anymore...

I've sat her down and talked about this like mature adults, and the first couple times she felt like I was attacking her...I calmly explained that I just want her to hear what I'm saying so we can work on it together (and I accepted that I am responsible for our problems as well, and made sure she knew that)

I dunno what to do. Sometimes I want a woman my own age, (current GF is 6 years older than I am), a more adventurous woman, one who is less scared of the world. But I feel so guilty for wanting that.


I feel like an ass for even typing what I did. I hate criticizing her. I have a really hard time talking about what I really feel about people, because I'm constantly afraid of offending them. But what it comes down to is I am an extremely confident introvert - I don't need other people, but I love engaging them. She's an extremely shy, socially-dependent extrovert...


Okay, I feel like I shouldn't have shared ANY of that...But I'm at the end of my rope...if we don't find a solution soon, I don't think we'll still be together this time next year....I'm willing to compromise, but I already feel like I have been compromising...a lot...I need reciprocation!

This is a tough one. It seems that she's insecure but then overcompensates for her insecurity by grabbing control, then spinning out of control. The "me vs you" is part of her competitive nature and if she doesn't see the two of you as "us" (like Freespirit posted earlier) then it's like she's not really fully invested in the relationship. As far as the cooking issue, that just seems to be another indication of her failed attempt to control (while multi-tasking). The result (burnt food) isn't a big concern as it's more about keeping active in many directions.

I would have to say that she'd be a detriment in a SHTF scenario. She's an asset in the sense that she's somewhat on board but I think any girl you chose can be brought on board and probably won't have these types of issues. If she's backing out or distancing herself from the relationship even though you're trying to communicate the problem, I think it's only a matter of time before you two split. Use this time wisely and start considering other prospects or opportunities. You don't have to act on them but prepare for being alone or available whether it's by your choice or hers. If she has a change of heart/mindset, you two can work out any problems but the situation doesn't sound good - the foundation seems to be cracking

FWIW