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16th June 2015, 06:20 AM
Commentary: California drought a prelude to 'poorpocalypse'
By Rex W. Huppke California Drought
California's drought is a perfect prelude to the coming war between classes.
Like most Americans, I spend the majority of my days pondering how to best position myself for the coming apocalypse.
The likely cause of said apocalypse changes from day to day. Sometimes it's "hackers shut down power-grid," other times it bounces from "Adam Sandler releases movie about race relations" to "Obama makes joke about running for third term."
Rich Californians balk at limits: 'We're not all equal when it comes to water'
But lately I've focused predominantly on "poor rising up to rebel against the wealthy." According to a report released last month by the Paris-based Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development: "We have reached a tipping point. Inequality in OECD countries is at its highest since records began."
The richest 10 percent of the population in the OECD now earn 9.6 times the income of the poorest 10 percent.
At the recent Financial Times Business of Luxury Summit in Monaco (I was unable to attend because my solid gold tuxedo was out for its annual buffing), Johann Rupert, chairman of the Swiss-based luxury goods company Richemont, said: "How is society going to cope with structural unemployment and the envy, hatred and the social warfare? We are destroying the middle classes at this stage and it will affect us. It's unfair. So that's what keeps me awake at night."
The Bloomberg report in which he was quoted didn't suggest that Rupert offered any of his billions to remedy the problem, presumably because he'll need the cash to build an impenetrable mountaintop fortress for when the rebellion comes.
Sleepless though he may be, Rupert will be ready. And so will I, because I plan on picking a side and getting ahead of things before all hell breaks loose.
That's why I'm so happy about the record-breaking drought California is currently experiencing. Water restrictions have turned the state into an ideal test case for the coming war between classes and provided me with a perfect plan for post-apocalypse success.
Consider these comments from a story that ran on The Washington Post's website over the weekend under the headline "Rich Californians balk at limits." Basically, while Californians are being ordered to cut back water usage, many wealthy people with nice lawns and gardens and fountains aren't abiding by the restrictions.
Steve Yuhas, a resident of super-wealthy Rancho Santa Fe, said: "We pay significant property taxes based on where we live. And, no, we're not all equal when it comes to water."
Gay Butler, an interior designer in Rancho Santa Fe, said she thinks the wealthy are being "overly scrutinized" for their unwillingness to ration water: "It angers me because people aren't looking at the overall picture. What are we supposed to do, just have dirt around our house on four acres?"
Indeed! Houses surrounded by dirt are for the Dust People, not the wealthy Hydrates of California.
Demonstrating the rugged individualism of Rancho Santa Fe residents, the Washington Post story noted: "In April, after Gov. Jerry Brown (D) called for a 25 percent reduction in water use, consumption in Rancho Santa Fe went up by 9 percent."
Hydrates 1, Dust People 0.
The West Coast Water War will be a nice prelude to the coming global peasant uprising, and I want to announce right now that I am on the side of the Hydrates. In fact, I have already begun stockpiling water I can sell to them at exorbitant prices when California's supply is tapped out.
Also — and here's where I really lift myself into the ranks of the wealthy — I'm starting a security company made of hardened mercenaries who can protect the Hydrates and their finely manicured lawns from incursions by loathsome Dust People.
Worried about "Dusters" creeping onto your property to suck moisture from the leaves of your sculpted hedges? Rest easy. My team of bloodthirsty assassins will keep your land clear of the envious poors.
California's drought shows no signs of abating, so profits from my water sales and security services should make me rich before the rest of the world's poor get organized enough to attack.
As a new self-made bazillionaire, I could theoretically use my Dust People blood money to help level the playing field and encourage other upper-crust folks to do likewise, but that sounds dumb. The smart move would be to hoard my money, build a 50-foot-tall steel fence around my overly watered acreage and whip up some vats of boiling oil. (Organic extra-virgin coconut oil, of course. I'm not a monster.)
Much like the wealthy folks in Rancho Santa Fe, I believe we're not all equal when it comes to money. At least I'll start believing that the minute I have more of it than most people.
And that can't happen until the Dust People of California officially rise up against the Hydrates.
So come on, Dust People. Get off your duffs and start the Water War.
Man, it really is true what the Hydrates say. Those Dust People are so lazy.
http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/opinion/huppke/ct-huppke-california-drought-20150615-story.html
By Rex W. Huppke California Drought
California's drought is a perfect prelude to the coming war between classes.
Like most Americans, I spend the majority of my days pondering how to best position myself for the coming apocalypse.
The likely cause of said apocalypse changes from day to day. Sometimes it's "hackers shut down power-grid," other times it bounces from "Adam Sandler releases movie about race relations" to "Obama makes joke about running for third term."
Rich Californians balk at limits: 'We're not all equal when it comes to water'
But lately I've focused predominantly on "poor rising up to rebel against the wealthy." According to a report released last month by the Paris-based Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development: "We have reached a tipping point. Inequality in OECD countries is at its highest since records began."
The richest 10 percent of the population in the OECD now earn 9.6 times the income of the poorest 10 percent.
At the recent Financial Times Business of Luxury Summit in Monaco (I was unable to attend because my solid gold tuxedo was out for its annual buffing), Johann Rupert, chairman of the Swiss-based luxury goods company Richemont, said: "How is society going to cope with structural unemployment and the envy, hatred and the social warfare? We are destroying the middle classes at this stage and it will affect us. It's unfair. So that's what keeps me awake at night."
The Bloomberg report in which he was quoted didn't suggest that Rupert offered any of his billions to remedy the problem, presumably because he'll need the cash to build an impenetrable mountaintop fortress for when the rebellion comes.
Sleepless though he may be, Rupert will be ready. And so will I, because I plan on picking a side and getting ahead of things before all hell breaks loose.
That's why I'm so happy about the record-breaking drought California is currently experiencing. Water restrictions have turned the state into an ideal test case for the coming war between classes and provided me with a perfect plan for post-apocalypse success.
Consider these comments from a story that ran on The Washington Post's website over the weekend under the headline "Rich Californians balk at limits." Basically, while Californians are being ordered to cut back water usage, many wealthy people with nice lawns and gardens and fountains aren't abiding by the restrictions.
Steve Yuhas, a resident of super-wealthy Rancho Santa Fe, said: "We pay significant property taxes based on where we live. And, no, we're not all equal when it comes to water."
Gay Butler, an interior designer in Rancho Santa Fe, said she thinks the wealthy are being "overly scrutinized" for their unwillingness to ration water: "It angers me because people aren't looking at the overall picture. What are we supposed to do, just have dirt around our house on four acres?"
Indeed! Houses surrounded by dirt are for the Dust People, not the wealthy Hydrates of California.
Demonstrating the rugged individualism of Rancho Santa Fe residents, the Washington Post story noted: "In April, after Gov. Jerry Brown (D) called for a 25 percent reduction in water use, consumption in Rancho Santa Fe went up by 9 percent."
Hydrates 1, Dust People 0.
The West Coast Water War will be a nice prelude to the coming global peasant uprising, and I want to announce right now that I am on the side of the Hydrates. In fact, I have already begun stockpiling water I can sell to them at exorbitant prices when California's supply is tapped out.
Also — and here's where I really lift myself into the ranks of the wealthy — I'm starting a security company made of hardened mercenaries who can protect the Hydrates and their finely manicured lawns from incursions by loathsome Dust People.
Worried about "Dusters" creeping onto your property to suck moisture from the leaves of your sculpted hedges? Rest easy. My team of bloodthirsty assassins will keep your land clear of the envious poors.
California's drought shows no signs of abating, so profits from my water sales and security services should make me rich before the rest of the world's poor get organized enough to attack.
As a new self-made bazillionaire, I could theoretically use my Dust People blood money to help level the playing field and encourage other upper-crust folks to do likewise, but that sounds dumb. The smart move would be to hoard my money, build a 50-foot-tall steel fence around my overly watered acreage and whip up some vats of boiling oil. (Organic extra-virgin coconut oil, of course. I'm not a monster.)
Much like the wealthy folks in Rancho Santa Fe, I believe we're not all equal when it comes to money. At least I'll start believing that the minute I have more of it than most people.
And that can't happen until the Dust People of California officially rise up against the Hydrates.
So come on, Dust People. Get off your duffs and start the Water War.
Man, it really is true what the Hydrates say. Those Dust People are so lazy.
http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/opinion/huppke/ct-huppke-california-drought-20150615-story.html